a time to trust

Time to let go of the reins.

I've been fighting upstream all of my life; trying to control everything. I have never accepted myself as is. That has now started to change but ever so slowly.

Its also time to trust that God has a plan.

It starts with absolute acceptance of who you are and have always been. Its not about a vagina and breasts either. Who you are is between the ears. My brain tells me I'm a woman. It does not matter because who you are is so much more than about gender. Being who you are involves risk in letting people see the real you and not a fabricated caricature.

To a large extent my life has been about living up to expectation and pretending. But there have been choices made. I was married and I had children. I have a good career. I need that part of my life to remain healthy and vibrant. I need to see my kids to adulthood.

The lesson I just learnt in my 3 year relationship is that its hard to be who you are and fit to someone's expectation of a male while trying to parent children unwelcome to your partner. Some of the compromises I made I will never make again even if that likely means I'll be alone for good.

We are human beings and we are highly adaptable creatures. Also life is short and full of delusions. when we are young we feel falsely empowered but we learn through the hardships and unpredictability that not all is as it seems. We are humbled by the fragility of everything around us and begin to appreciate the little miracles of the mundane; we are healthy, we can move and we draw breath every day.

I am indeed fortunate and try to remind myself of that fact when I get down.

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