complete honesty?

I am virtually fearless now. There is no dress shop, shoe store, restaurant or coffee shop where I won't present as myself. There is the soothing comfort that comes with being true to yourself that acts as a shield against your previous fears. Once the tigress has been uncaged she must run and be free. Suppression will not be allowed to win the day.

It feels odd to say that - "as myself"..... I've been petrified of owning that phrase because it previously was synonymous with failure.

But does "myself" mean eventually living full time? Can I make it to retirement as a hybrid? I am going to do my best to make that happen. Firstly I love where I work. I have been there almost 11 years and making such a radical transformation at this stage would be very hard on my psyche. Secondly and more importantly I don't want to upset the apple cart for my kids. Their life to date has already been challenging enough with the divorce. My son's recent bout of anxiety and his innate sensitivity make it even harder to even consider such a drastic move.

How am I going to feed my desire to transition? I will expand Joanna's existence even more and fully take advantage of my time spent as a woman. I am making friends and expanding my social circle. This has up to know involved my lying to people as I attempted to prove to myself that such an existence was even feasible. After all, I have never taken hormones.

In any event I always tell people the truth about myself, my feelings, my family, etc. with one noteable exception - that I was not born female.

But is that important? If I am being my true self with them is that technically important? I continue to debate this internally as I live one day at a time. It will be hard to do an about face with these people. Indeed, there is only one in the dozen or so contacts that I keep in touch with who knows the truth.

I lived in dishonesty with myself for so long. Is this something I want to continue to encourage in a new form?

This girl has some thinking to do....

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