Skip to main content

Easy does it...

I received a series of comments from Robyn P, AQV, Marian and Pat that had me reflecting today and yesterday. Thank you all.

I know I take everything much too seriously and am the worst kind of self critic. It is my nature.

How does one come to terms with their transgender nature and make it work for them? This is my challenge. The internal conflict has been showing up in my blog postings as I go through my thought process of how to settle into a comfort level with my gender identity.

On the one hand I enjoy every minute of my time as Joanna. The guilt is gone and I can bask in the internal peace that it brings. On the other hand I am still conflicted of how that new reality of feeling should find a practical and permanent role in my life.

This conflict sometimes has me thinking I must choose one life over the other; ie. live as a woman or live as a man. Shit or get off the pot because you can’t do both. But isn’t that what being transgender is? Having a foot in each camp in some sense?

My conflict had me overshooting the other day and declaring that I’m a transsexual.

My dressing frequency has gone from twice a week while I was with N to now daily. This is what had me reflecting about where I want to go with this and whether I shouldn’t just go ahead and live full time. This may in fact be what happens anyway but it will do so in its own time.

So where does the anguish still come from?

I think partially it comes from the fact that I am still coming to terms with being transgender. I have come from a position of outright self rejection to a place of acceptance but that process has not yet come to a complete fruition.

I have been reading too much which can be informative but also confusing in that you assimilate a lot of misinformation in the process. The experience of each person is unique and personal and in the end it is YOUR journey and not someone else’s.

The work of Blanchard and Lawrence has only been useful in helping me understand some of the case study work on other transgender people and realize that I am not alone in my struggle to find peace with my gender identity. Whether I agree with their conclusions is another matter entirely. But AQV is right in that much of the existing literature is mired in a kind of gender politic meant to suit its own purposes. Your personal journey need not be touched by it.

I was not looking for validation from others in doing the research but only to understand myself and my motivations better. In so doing, I got a bit lost in the techno babble of the definitions.

“Just place one foot in front of the other Joanna. That’s a good girl!”

Comments

  1. "...one foot in front of the other." Hmmm...yes. Sounds like a plan to me. Reflection is also a very good thing.

    Consider. You have self-diagnosed as a sufferer of Gender Identity Disorder/Dysphoria, (GID). By definition, you MUST suffer. Certainly not the most pleasant of ailments and one for which, at least to my knowledge, there is no cure. So what you have done, is "diagnosed" yourself into a box. How can you be happy or at peace if by definition, you are "dysphoric".

    Perhaps another diagnosis might be more manageable. Were it not for the social stigma, would not a simple fetish or paraphilia, (erotic target error), be easier to deal with? If you have come to terms with your condition, why must you suffer because of it?



    ReplyDelete
  2. Joanna -

    Being transgender doesn't necessarily mean you have one foot in one camp or another. But it does mean that your preferred presentation and/or self identification is the gender other than what you were born into. You may not have stepped across the line, or you may have completely crossed the line. And wherever you are in relation to that line is OK too....

    Your anguish is normal, and may be quite healthy now that you are aware of what your feelings are trying to tell you. Gradually, you will find a place of stability and comfort. But it will take time. Have faith in the process, as you will come out OK in the end.

    M

    ReplyDelete
  3. AQV you think this is about social stigma for me?? Hardly. I also fail to see how paraphilia or location target error is superior to gender disphoria. Sounds like you've been reading too much blanchard and lawrence. The entire point is living comfortably in your own skin with an incurable condition that actually complicates your life in many ways. Of course there are rewards as well.

    No need to always be an "agent provocateur"

    Marian - thank you I agree...

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

One transgender woman's take on AGP

This entry from the transhealth website dates back to 2001 and it offers a very nice dissection of the now mostly debunked but still controversial AGP theory and how this transgender woman could care two cents about it. People who have been trying to marginalize the experience of gynephilic transwomen have pushed for the stigmatizing idea that they are actually perverted men. Well this soul, who couldn't give a hoot either way, isn't buying any of it and her frankness at times had me chuckling to myself as I read her posting. If we ever met I would give her a hug for seeing through the BS but mostly for being herself: "About a year ago I was reading on Dr. Anne Lawrence’s site about a new theory of the origin of trans called “autogynephilia.” This theory asserts that many trans women—and transsexual women in particular—desire reassignment surgery because they are eroticizing the feminization of their bodies. The first thing that struck me about it, of course, was t

Never Say Never....

 I was certain that I would never post here again and yet, here I am. It’s been several years, and life has changed me yet again. I have burrowed further into my psyche to discover more internal truths about myself all in the silence of a life lived with more periods of reflective solitude than ever before. After attempting for many years to be a problem solver for others, I needed to dig deeply to discover who I was, which should be a necessity for all people and an absolute imperative for those of us who dare rub against the grain of conventional society. The most important thing we can do for ourselves is honor the internal voice which has driven us since childhood. That whisper which we were compelled to ignore through our initial indoctrination must be listened to again for guidance. I knew I had spent too long heeding messaging that wasn’t working for me as a trans person, and it was time to stop. For the world gleefully basks in a level ignorance and hypocrisy we are not abl

my last post

This will be my last blog post. When I wrote recently that this blog had another seven years of life in it I was trying to convince myself that it was true. It was in fact a little bit of self delusion. With almost 3,000 posts to date I have accomplished what I set out to do which was to heal myself and in the process share some of the struggle I had been through with others on the chance they might find some value in my words. After seven years of writing, my life still isn't perfect; no one's is. But I have discovered a path forward completely free of the trappings which society would have had me adopt so I could fit in. Over the last 25 years of my life I have turned over every stone I could find while exploring this topic and in the process realized that we haven't even begun to scratch the surface of this deeply complex subject. What I have ultimately learned is that my instincts have more value than what someone who isn't gender dysphoric writes about me. We