Skip to main content

perhaps clarifications are in order...

Perhaps clarificatons are in order.

I am not a casual crossdresser. I have a rather advanced case of GID and as Anne Vitale and others agree its not about anything else other than gender disphoria. By their definitions I am a transsexual because I suffer from GID and have for my entire waking existence.

I was attracted to girls from the age of puberty but was sensitive, intelligent, creative, shy and a bit of a loner. Sure I do not fit the androphilic early transitioner model that some people refer to as a classic transsexual.

Plenty of people like me have transitioned: Jan Morris, Kate Bornstein, Chloe Prince, Anne Lawrence, Kay Brown, Jennifer Boylan.....the list goes on. All of them have lives as women; whether successful or not I can't say but they didn't transition for fun. Whether you label them transitioned AGPers or not it does not affect their daily reality so it becomes almost a moot point at this stage.

But I do not base my destiny on other people.

I struggle every day with something that, unfortunately, increases in intensity as I age. I wish I could be content just dressing once a week and go back to living the rest of the time as a man. I seem to however to have passed a point of no return. Even as I labelled myself a transsexual as per someone else's definition (one can argue the validity) it changes nothing of my day to day existence. In other words, being or not being transsexual is a term which will not aid me in grappling with my GID.

It is almost not important to me at this stage what I call myself but my previous post was to illustrate more that I have moved into new territory in my self awareness and that I need to deal with the here and now. My life is not a textbook on transsexuality. The question is this: can I continue to manage my GID doing what I am doing now: ie. dressing up and living a sort of dishonest double life? This is the only question.

Transition will be a last resort when I have run out of all others.

As far as sexuality goes what difference does it make when you can't perform normally as a male anyway? That is the least of my worries.

Comments

  1. "I have now come to a point in my personal struggles with my gender disphoria when I am at peace with it. I no longer have anything to prove or legitimize to myself and hopefully my way forward will be filled with a more positive outlook as I now have an identity as a woman that I am pleased with.

    My demeanour, confidence and level of contentment have dramatically improved as I have begun to solve the riddle that has been my life.

    I am dealing with my reality as it is now. If I were 30 years younger and with the same knowledge I have today I might be very tempted to transition. I am happy as Joanna and I feel often that I would enjoy my life as a female. But the present compromise works"

    Now...just two weeks later....."The question is this: can I continue to manage my GID doing what I am doing now: ie. dressing up and living a sort of dishonest double life?"

    "As far as sexuality goes what difference does it make when you can't perform normally as a male anyway?"

    Is this what it is all about????

    ReplyDelete
  2. No its least of all about my sexuality. This blog represents my sometimes confused thought processes and I always want to stay at a balance point. The problem appears to be that I seem to need more and more of life as a woman and it gets harder and harder to put her back in the closet. When I am particularly happy and because I post so often it can appear that my thoughts are eratic. I am probably just in need of a few more years of where I sit now in order to settle into whatever my new life is meant to be. I would stay calmly on my own if I could settle into a comfortable gender identity...

    ReplyDelete
  3. You're not stuck in limbo like I am, I am neither man nor woman and its often an uneasy balance..,

    ReplyDelete
  4. I very much do value your challenging me. It is what I require....

    ReplyDelete
  5. "No its least of all about my sexuality"

    Really?!? Think about this....

    ReplyDelete
  6. "dishonest double life?" Is that like being married to two women at the same time? (and having two mothers-in-law!)

    How about living an honest double life? Or a dishonest single life? Live your life as YOUR life!

    "what difference does it make when you can't perform normally as a male anyway?" Why would this have any bearing on anything? Lots of men cannot perform normally but still very secure in their male identity. And there are men who can perform normally who suffer from GID... Go figure!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Joanna,
    There is an honor and dignity in your living your life as you have. Dealing with respect for your parents...love and affection for your wife and a s sense of duty and responsibility for your children and for all of the people you have met and interacted with during the course of your personal and professional life.
    While currently living on your own as you learn to come to terms with your dual natures you have done your best to honor your obligations to your family and your employer. While being "T" or "GID" or "AGP" is something that your are dealing with you appear to remain mindful that this is primarily your issue and that if the time becomes right to share this burden with others you will do so but until then you a taking it upon yourself to carry this cross.
    There is no need to commit to a time table. Be a good person to yourself and others.
    Pax
    Pat

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

One transgender woman's take on AGP

This entry from the transhealth website dates back to 2001 and it offers a very nice dissection of the now mostly debunked but still controversial AGP theory and how this transgender woman could care two cents about it. People who have been trying to marginalize the experience of gynephilic transwomen have pushed for the stigmatizing idea that they are actually perverted men. Well this soul, who couldn't give a hoot either way, isn't buying any of it and her frankness at times had me chuckling to myself as I read her posting. If we ever met I would give her a hug for seeing through the BS but mostly for being herself: "About a year ago I was reading on Dr. Anne Lawrence’s site about a new theory of the origin of trans called “autogynephilia.” This theory asserts that many trans women—and transsexual women in particular—desire reassignment surgery because they are eroticizing the feminization of their bodies. The first thing that struck me about it, of course, was t

epilogue

While this blog is most definitely over, I wanted to explain that part of the reason is that it was getting in the way of writing my next book called "Notes, Essays and Short Stories from the North" which will combine philosophy, trans issues, my observations on life, some short fiction and things that have happened to me over my life and continue to (both trans related and not). When it is complete I will post the news here and will be happy to send you a free copy upon request in either PDF or eBook format. All I ask is that you provide me with some feedback once you're done reading it. I'm only in the early stages so it will be a while. Be well all of you.... sample pages...

my last post

This will be my last blog post. When I wrote recently that this blog had another seven years of life in it I was trying to convince myself that it was true. It was in fact a little bit of self delusion. With almost 3,000 posts to date I have accomplished what I set out to do which was to heal myself and in the process share some of the struggle I had been through with others on the chance they might find some value in my words. After seven years of writing, my life still isn't perfect; no one's is. But I have discovered a path forward completely free of the trappings which society would have had me adopt so I could fit in. Over the last 25 years of my life I have turned over every stone I could find while exploring this topic and in the process realized that we haven't even begun to scratch the surface of this deeply complex subject. What I have ultimately learned is that my instincts have more value than what someone who isn't gender dysphoric writes about me. We