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Why suffer?

Why suffer? Indeed that is a good point and I think I have addressed it in many of my blog posts.

Firstly, to address AQV’s comment, a 3 year old cannot be a paraphilic so this is one of the main reasons I absolutely refuse to buy into the autogynephilia arguments that Blanchard and Lawrence use to explain late transitioning non homosexual transsexuals. I, as a very young child, had a connection to something which was innate and natural to me and it won’t be cheapened with sexual arguments of paraphilias and target error. That’s a blind alley which does not compute with me at all and never will. Whatever the source of my gender confusion, it is not grounded in abnormal sexuality akin to pedophilia or sadomasochism – sorry. The research backs me up in that all transsexuals fantasize about feminization whether they admit it or not and the tendency in front of therapists has been to deny or downplay this aspect in order to appear more legitimately suited for transition. I am 100% with Jack Molay in that I think there is a biological source at play here.

I always go back to the same argument. My life experience tells me, now backed up by more and more research and by the work of specialists like Anne Vitale who has worked with over 500 GID sufferers, that the discourse should be about gender disphoria only. It does not matter what your sexual orientation is it only matters how severe your disphoria is and how much it hampers your ability to live day to day; the more severe the more debilitating your life will be.

I suffered originally because I blamed myself for being abnormal. I had no literature and no internet when I was a child and so I suffered in silence because I was a boy who should not want to enjoy the feeling of wanting to be a girl; or so I was told.

Once puberty came I suffered from guilt due to having inadvertent orgasms while I was enjoying my time spent dressed as a woman. It cheapened the experience and the purity of what I was feeling but now I understand that I was filtering all through the psychology of a male experiencing his burgeoning sexuality. At the time it just felt dirty and weird.

Now that I have explained most of all that to my satisfaction, why suffer now?

I have suffered because I have been confused about what to do next and I have agonized about whether the path to live more and more as a woman is the right one. There has been some worry about affecting my children and there has been some regret about what it would do to my chances to find a life partner that would accept me for me. It’s like being stuck in a no man’s land where you are neither entirely man nor whole woman.

But the shroud has been lifting ever so slowly and as I come to realize that this difference of mine need not handicap me.

I am dropping the literature which has been as helpful as it’s been misleading to concentrate on self reflection and the healing which needs to continue to take place in my life. Once this process is done the suffering will also cease.

But make no mistake in that the suffering now is much less severe than what I was used to before.

Comments

  1. There is really no need to suffer. My approach has been to take lemons and make lemonade. If you can accept your dual gendered nature and make the most of all components of who you are you may find peace.
    One critique that I have about some 'gender' writers is their frequent need to define and catagorize. Breaking people into groups or blocks may work for certain political purposes but I find that everyone is a vast combination of things.
    You may best know me as a CD who comments on your blog. Most other people know me as a husband, father, worker, golfer (poor), skiier, etc. I do lots of things and no one thing that I do defines the entire person. It may even be fair to say that I am a different person to different people. I trust that the same is true for you.
    There is no need to suffer trying to fit all that you are into one box or one immutable package.
    You have described yourself as a gender variant sutdent...trying to figure out...why I was made different. Perhaps you should ferret out all the good and interesting and wonderful components of each element that makes you who you are.
    Pax
    Pat

    ReplyDelete
  2. I am doing just that pat but the problem is that I have crossed a threshhold that is taking me potentially into considering living full time not just dressing occasionally. The angst is mostly coming from that. But otherwise I am trying to make as much lemonade as I can!

    ReplyDelete
  3. "dressing full time"

    What exactly is that all about? You work as a man. You are a father to your children. And then....you come home and "dress"? And then you go out so you can "be" Joanna?

    What am I missing here? Does dressing make you Joanna? How does dressing make you Joanna?

    ReplyDelete
  4. That is actually a very intetesting question AQV....I do think about what that means to me often. Dressing may be in the end just be that and remain that. I just need to make sure..

    ReplyDelete

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