Skip to main content

do no harm....

As AQV reminded me, the world would indeed be a better place if everyone accepted themselves for who they are and if society just let them do it. The latter of course is the biggest hurdle and some of us spend decades trying to come out from under the weight of expectation. The lucky ones are able to do it early but, for the rest of us, it becomes a struggle until we come to full self realization often decades later.

Such was my problem and the problem for many who grew up under very dogmatic rules tied solely to convention. Boys must wear this and girls must wear that we were told; end of story.

By the time we realize all of this, some damage is already done and the price of suppression is often high. Marriages are lost due to concealment of something that, for other women, could be at worst benign behaviour. But we hide because disclosure is seen as the ultimate unthinkable in light of this horrid perversion of ours.

In retrospect I now think: was I hurting anyone through my cross gender behaviour? The answer I ultimately came up with was no. I never have.

In fact I hurt mostly myself through the act of suppression.

Just as the transsexual who comes to a realization that their body does not match their mind, I could have accepted that my cross gender behaviour is simply part of who I am and be done with it.

I don’t presume to speak for everyone when I say that there are no doubt many like me in the transgender community who might do well just to accept that cross gender behaviour is all they require to lead happy and fruitful lives. The need for body alterations could be averted because happy is mostly in your head and not in your genitals.

Dress as a woman 24/7 if you desire. It’s your life.

Since true transsexualism is exceedingly rare, it would perhaps be better to allow for looser guidelines for cross gender expression in children rather than diagnosing them as transgender and giving them testosterone blockers. I actually believe that the proclivity for cross gender expression is not contagious and only occurs in a relatively small percentage of the male population. The ones that don’t outgrow it will either be cross dressers or transsexuals and there is no crime in being either.

But it is perhaps easier and more expedient to be diagnosed with a real condition than to deal with guilt. I know because I was caught in that very same vice grip for a while.

There are those of course who think that what I do is an abomination and, in truth, not possessing this compulsion would have spared me some pain growing up. But I know my heart is pure and my intention is only to feed my soul in this very peculiar way.

I don’t need to know where it originates to know that it’s right for me.

Comments

  1. "...the world would indeed be a better place if everyone accepted themselves for who they are and if society just let them do it."

    There are of course many caveats to this gross over-simplification. We all live within our society subject to its norms and mores. Gender and "gender expression" is just one of many. A man, dressing and/or behaving as a woman is generally not accepted except perhaps in jest, and even then, there would inevitably arise a suspicion of some unseemly pathology or 'perversion'.

    What you seem to describe as your own experience is an internalization of that associated guilt and shame. This self acceptance which you have just recently found is in fact what, (IMMHO), most likely occurred in the lives of those "lucky ones [who] are able to do it early".

    In my case, I simply ran out of options. The facts were what they were, and it was simply madness to continue to deny a reality which was what it was, whether I liked it or not, or...whether society accepted it or not.

    And lest you be deluded into believing that those of us who were fortunate enough, or "brave" enough, or crazy enough, to attempt the impossible, did not have to "struggle", I am here to tell you that it was easily the most difficult, painful and frightening thing that I have ever done. I consider myself exceptionally blessed to have not only survived, but prospered to a ripe and enjoyable old age.

    ReplyDelete
  2. On the other hand...."Dress as a woman 24/7 if you desire. It’s your life."...is not something that I could or would recommend for everybody. For many the consequences of such behavior would/could indeed be dire. We live in an imperfect world. To believe otherwise is delusional and potentially lethal.

    We are all NOT the same. Just because it works for you.....

    ReplyDelete
  3. Well that is why I say that I don't presume to speak for everyone. You were clearly transsexual and I have never doubted that for one second AQV.

    I am trying my best to HAVE this work for me because its the best compromise solution I can find at this point in my life.

    When I talked about dressing 24/7 I was referring to people who do not necessarily need to have GRS or take hormones because they may be type III or IV for example. I would never presume to speak for you..

    Each path is unique.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I can also relate to how painful a decision it must have been. My last year of struggle is probably a fraction of what you went through so I am not trivializing that for one second.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I will not be dressing 24/7 by the way and will need to figure that out but yes at a certain point you need to make up your mind who you are and proceed accordingly.

    ReplyDelete
  6. We are all different. Some of us just need an occasional opportunity to present in a feminine fashion. I see and/or sense that Joanna can pass and get by in public presenting as either male or female. That is a good thing and that is not true for all of us. When it comes to passing, or as I am more fond of noting blending, the concept that "size does matter" is true. On my best day I am a large man. Dressing can only go so far.
    Pat

    ReplyDelete
  7. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

One transgender woman's take on AGP

This entry from the transhealth website dates back to 2001 and it offers a very nice dissection of the now mostly debunked but still controversial AGP theory and how this transgender woman could care two cents about it. People who have been trying to marginalize the experience of gynephilic transwomen have pushed for the stigmatizing idea that they are actually perverted men. Well this soul, who couldn't give a hoot either way, isn't buying any of it and her frankness at times had me chuckling to myself as I read her posting. If we ever met I would give her a hug for seeing through the BS but mostly for being herself: "About a year ago I was reading on Dr. Anne Lawrence’s site about a new theory of the origin of trans called “autogynephilia.” This theory asserts that many trans women—and transsexual women in particular—desire reassignment surgery because they are eroticizing the feminization of their bodies. The first thing that struck me about it, of course, was t

my last post

This will be my last blog post. When I wrote recently that this blog had another seven years of life in it I was trying to convince myself that it was true. It was in fact a little bit of self delusion. With almost 3,000 posts to date I have accomplished what I set out to do which was to heal myself and in the process share some of the struggle I had been through with others on the chance they might find some value in my words. After seven years of writing, my life still isn't perfect; no one's is. But I have discovered a path forward completely free of the trappings which society would have had me adopt so I could fit in. Over the last 25 years of my life I have turned over every stone I could find while exploring this topic and in the process realized that we haven't even begun to scratch the surface of this deeply complex subject. What I have ultimately learned is that my instincts have more value than what someone who isn't gender dysphoric writes about me. We

Never Say Never....

 I was certain that I would never post here again and yet, here I am. It’s been several years, and life has changed me yet again. I have burrowed further into my psyche to discover more internal truths about myself all in the silence of a life lived with more periods of reflective solitude than ever before. After attempting for many years to be a problem solver for others, I needed to dig deeply to discover who I was, which should be a necessity for all people and an absolute imperative for those of us who dare rub against the grain of conventional society. The most important thing we can do for ourselves is honor the internal voice which has driven us since childhood. That whisper which we were compelled to ignore through our initial indoctrination must be listened to again for guidance. I knew I had spent too long heeding messaging that wasn’t working for me as a trans person, and it was time to stop. For the world gleefully basks in a level ignorance and hypocrisy we are not abl