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do no harm....

As AQV reminded me, the world would indeed be a better place if everyone accepted themselves for who they are and if society just let them do it. The latter of course is the biggest hurdle and some of us spend decades trying to come out from under the weight of expectation. The lucky ones are able to do it early but, for the rest of us, it becomes a struggle until we come to full self realization often decades later.

Such was my problem and the problem for many who grew up under very dogmatic rules tied solely to convention. Boys must wear this and girls must wear that we were told; end of story.

By the time we realize all of this, some damage is already done and the price of suppression is often high. Marriages are lost due to concealment of something that, for other women, could be at worst benign behaviour. But we hide because disclosure is seen as the ultimate unthinkable in light of this horrid perversion of ours.

In retrospect I now think: was I hurting anyone through my cross gender behaviour? The answer I ultimately came up with was no. I never have.

In fact I hurt mostly myself through the act of suppression.

Just as the transsexual who comes to a realization that their body does not match their mind, I could have accepted that my cross gender behaviour is simply part of who I am and be done with it.

I don’t presume to speak for everyone when I say that there are no doubt many like me in the transgender community who might do well just to accept that cross gender behaviour is all they require to lead happy and fruitful lives. The need for body alterations could be averted because happy is mostly in your head and not in your genitals.

Dress as a woman 24/7 if you desire. It’s your life.

Since true transsexualism is exceedingly rare, it would perhaps be better to allow for looser guidelines for cross gender expression in children rather than diagnosing them as transgender and giving them testosterone blockers. I actually believe that the proclivity for cross gender expression is not contagious and only occurs in a relatively small percentage of the male population. The ones that don’t outgrow it will either be cross dressers or transsexuals and there is no crime in being either.

But it is perhaps easier and more expedient to be diagnosed with a real condition than to deal with guilt. I know because I was caught in that very same vice grip for a while.

There are those of course who think that what I do is an abomination and, in truth, not possessing this compulsion would have spared me some pain growing up. But I know my heart is pure and my intention is only to feed my soul in this very peculiar way.

I don’t need to know where it originates to know that it’s right for me.


  1. "...the world would indeed be a better place if everyone accepted themselves for who they are and if society just let them do it."

    There are of course many caveats to this gross over-simplification. We all live within our society subject to its norms and mores. Gender and "gender expression" is just one of many. A man, dressing and/or behaving as a woman is generally not accepted except perhaps in jest, and even then, there would inevitably arise a suspicion of some unseemly pathology or 'perversion'.

    What you seem to describe as your own experience is an internalization of that associated guilt and shame. This self acceptance which you have just recently found is in fact what, (IMMHO), most likely occurred in the lives of those "lucky ones [who] are able to do it early".

    In my case, I simply ran out of options. The facts were what they were, and it was simply madness to continue to deny a reality which was what it was, whether I liked it or not, or...whether society accepted it or not.

    And lest you be deluded into believing that those of us who were fortunate enough, or "brave" enough, or crazy enough, to attempt the impossible, did not have to "struggle", I am here to tell you that it was easily the most difficult, painful and frightening thing that I have ever done. I consider myself exceptionally blessed to have not only survived, but prospered to a ripe and enjoyable old age.

  2. On the other hand...."Dress as a woman 24/7 if you desire. It’s your life." not something that I could or would recommend for everybody. For many the consequences of such behavior would/could indeed be dire. We live in an imperfect world. To believe otherwise is delusional and potentially lethal.

    We are all NOT the same. Just because it works for you.....

  3. Well that is why I say that I don't presume to speak for everyone. You were clearly transsexual and I have never doubted that for one second AQV.

    I am trying my best to HAVE this work for me because its the best compromise solution I can find at this point in my life.

    When I talked about dressing 24/7 I was referring to people who do not necessarily need to have GRS or take hormones because they may be type III or IV for example. I would never presume to speak for you..

    Each path is unique.

  4. I can also relate to how painful a decision it must have been. My last year of struggle is probably a fraction of what you went through so I am not trivializing that for one second.

  5. I will not be dressing 24/7 by the way and will need to figure that out but yes at a certain point you need to make up your mind who you are and proceed accordingly.

  6. We are all different. Some of us just need an occasional opportunity to present in a feminine fashion. I see and/or sense that Joanna can pass and get by in public presenting as either male or female. That is a good thing and that is not true for all of us. When it comes to passing, or as I am more fond of noting blending, the concept that "size does matter" is true. On my best day I am a large man. Dressing can only go so far.

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