going forward

N and I are making a go of it. We want this relationship to work long term and, in order to do that, there needs to be trust and understanding on both sides.

We love each other and that’s a good start. I am a gender disphoric and she knows and accepts this and I come with responsibilities with my children in tow.

She wants to be respected and treated as an equal in this relationship and she wants no more silent treatment and no more verbal abuse. I am working towards this goal very diligently to make sure that does not happen again.
I am also starting to re think the sessions with Helene in the fall.

Will they add value? because, as God is my witness, I have absolutely no intention of doing anything to my body. No one can really help me with my management of my disphoria so I am not certain that I will gain from exposure to this group other than to impart my own particular viewpoint on to its members. Maybe I am wrong but this is the way I feel at the moment and I may change my mind again in September and try the sessions anyway.

For the time being however, my focus is on the verbal abuse sessions and they are going well. I plan to continue them until I am convinced that I am making concrete progress. Of course it’s hard to measure since the sources of stress have effectively been removed and indeed that is part of the solution. No one wants to be pinned into a corner like a wild animal because the reaction will never be pretty.

Cohabitation is out for now. N and I need to rebuild our trust by seeing each other regularly and establishing a calm pattern of stability that reassures each of us that we can have long term durability as a couple. Instead of announcing to the world that we are back on, we will simply quietly see each other and see how it goes.

Based on what I am seeing right now, I am very optimistic.

NB: This is my 300th post and whoda thunk that I'd still be writing this blog. Certainly not me.


  1. Joanna,

    It sounds like you're just at one of your dysphoric cycle minimums. I know that when I'm doing everything right and my dysphoria is gone I always think that it's safe to drop what's working. But it always comes around to bite me. The last few years I have ignored the urge to stop and I've found my dysphoria to be much less and more stable.

    So just remember to keep up what you're doing now and you should be ok. If I were you, I'd still go the counseling sessions this fall. You could learn more ways to minimize your GD and I know you'd be an inspiration to the others there :-) . As you know, GD can be a fickle beast and the better prepared you are the less it will effect you.


  2. After so many years I am finally starting to understand my patterns lindsay!

  3. i am soooo glad to hear you are working things out with N as it can be a lonely life by ones self! but remember it is better to choose someone who really loves you and stands by you than just choosing anyone to avoid being by one's self(which i don't believe you are doing) . being an only child i understand this well. if N is willing to stand by you and give it a chance as a best friend will do then you have a good chance of making it work from the get go. remember even with out the GD issues other couples can face such things as anger management and a host of other issues. the fact that you are going to therapy is a really big step because that realization came from within. some things we can manage ourselves but when we can't then it takes a professional from outside the body to help.
    the importiant thing as with any close friend as you have found out is to not shut the other person out. otherwise why share one's life if one doesn't include the other person.
    good luck with N i am happy for you.

  4. I think that many things are connected. When you were verbally abusive to N in the past were you ever dressed as Joanna. Was your yelling a way to relieve pent up emotions over not being able to get out and about and express yourself as Joanna.
    In guy mode I can at times be aggressive, overbearing and loud. I cannot see myself yelling, let along being even remotely abusive to anyone when dressed as Pat.

    Good Luck

    1. Pat the problem lay in the frustrations surrounding my GID, my kids and her pets. That combination was at times the match that lit my kindling....

  5. After 1.5 year relationship with my boyfriend, he changed suddenly and stopped contacting me regularly, he would come up with excuses of not seeing me all the time. He stopped answering my calls and my sms and he stopped seeing me regularly. I then started catching him with different girls several times but every time he would say that he love me and that he needed some time to think about our relationship.But cannot stop thinking about him so i decided to go online and i saw so many good talk about this spell caster and i contact him and explain my problems to him.He cast a love spell for me which i use and after 2 day, my boyfriend came back to me and started contacting me regularly and we moved in together after a few months and he was more open to me than before and he started spending more time with me than his friends. We eventually got married and we now have been married happily for 3 years with a son. Ever since Dr.Kumar of spellcasttemple@gmail.com helped me, my partner is very stable, faithful and closer to me than before.You can also contact this spell caster and get your relationshp fix Email: SPELLCASTTEMPLE@GMAIL.COM


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