As I waited in line, a transsexual woman who I estimated to be roughly my age, walked past. She looked self assured and comfortable in her own skin and if it weren’t for slight vestiges of facial and corporal masculinity, she might have escaped my detection.
I admit to feeling a slight pang of jealousy as she walked by and I could not help but imagine that, as hard as getting there must have been, her demeanour showed a self assuredness that I found quite admirable. She had (at least on visual inspection) arrived at a place where I had not: complete internal peace with her gender identity.
It made me realize that there remains work to be done for me as the ebbs and flows of my disphoria continue to have me think different things on different days. This is why I know I am not yet there. I want desperately to settle into a permanent state where I no longer need to reflect on my gender. I, perhaps unrealistically, want the disphoria to stop.
But will the management technique of liberal gender expression only encourage me towards eventual transition?
One thing is for certain: suppression has never worked for me and it’s too late to go back. It’s too late to put the proverbial genie back into the bottle.
I am trying to understand now how I did it for all of those years before. How was I able to carry the load of suppression all the way through to my 40’s with only bi-yearly mini cross dressing binges? Was it the increased testosterone in my body or was it the distraction of raising 2 young children while repairing an older home?
I have no answer.
I can definitely now relate to the stories of older transgender people which I read about when I was younger. Their websites were candidly explaining to me how they waited so long to be themselves but could not or would not admit it until they had their own personal epiphany.
But here I am still reflecting on the idea that transsexuality at its core is a disorder. One is not born a woman and performs a correction but instead something happens to you (most likely in your mother’s womb) that leaves you with this imprinted condition upon your birth; this disconnect between body and mind which you are left to grapple with. I deeply wish that science had indeed found a genetic marker or some brain abnormality that could provide definitive proof that there is something measurably different about transsexuals. Having this type of proof would be far more reassuring than the exclusivity of trusting your own instinct. Because your feelings can be manipulated into thinking you are something you are not. At the same time I understand that my way of thinking could block my own self acknowledging that I myself could be a full blown transsexual.
I have no problem with the idea that type V and VI transsexuals are positive when they say that they are women. They believe it with all of their heart because it is only this type of conviction that would allow you to modify your body in such a radical and unthinkable way. Their continued mental health hinges on physical transition. At that point, the argument of whether you are or are not truly a woman is rendered irrelevant in light of radically improved life quality. The burden of proof having been met, they have done the right thing and have literally saved their own lives.
Are there mistakes made sometimes? Yes but they are usually screened out in within the confines of the formal screening programs that are put in place. Assuming you are dealing with a reputable therapist who works hand in hand with a hospital gender program, the chances of error are greatly diminished.
I sometimes feel that by virtue of my own personal road blocks, it will take me some time to uncover who I really am at the core. I just have to give myself a break while I am doing it and let God continue to work in my life to repair my damaged psyche.