But there are people who are not entirely comfortable in either gender role and are perfectly at ease saying so. They call themselves gender queer and they leave you with an impression of androgyny which often confuses those who interact with them. It is a deliberate blurring of the lines to send the message that they subscribe to neither camp entirely. They dance to the beat of their own drummer so to speak.
People like me, who have had trouble espousing any type of gender variance or fluidity, have a history that is chequered with quasi schizophrenic behaviour. The reason for this is our natural instincts to express ourselves outside the gender norm were met very early on with rejection from our peers, educators and families. From there it had to go underground or to outright suppression because we are trying to somehow repair ourselves.
We dressed to feed our need for gender expression but then threw things out in disgust once we had contravened the prime directive not to be abnormal; but abnormal by whose rules?
We built a life based on deceit, hiding and suppression solely on the notion that what we were doing was somehow morally bankrupt and even sexually depraved.
For full blown transsexuals (HBS types V and VI) the solution to their debilitating disphoria has been to transition since there is no ambiguity for them as to their identity. They consider themselves women. Their struggles typically happen early in life and they soon realize they have a complete psycho sexual inversion.
People like me, somehow stuck in the middle, need to come to terms that this disconnect will never be remedied and that our intermediate state is permanent. It’s a conundrum precisely because your chances of displeasing society and a potential life partner are many degrees higher. This is the price to be paid for being different in this life.
But there is a way out and it is the way I will be using henceforth to avoid transition.
Complete embracing of your nature as a transgender person is the first step. This means doing away with all guilt and personal blame for how you were born (which is no small task). Next is thumbing your nose at people who would want to shame you into what you are doing is morally wrong or sick. You are who you are so why not celebrate it? People who are disgusted by you need not be your friends because they are judging a book exclusively by its cover.
People who do not accept you for who you are need not be part of the equation of your life. You have a choice to keep yourself imprisoned or to set yourself free. You are the holder of the key to your own cell.
So I am slowly moving away from the schizophrenic behaviour that has governed my life in favour of creating a brand new person who celebrates his gender variance. The alternative is to perennially be a self deprecating disphoric.
It is the only way out of my conundrum.