Skip to main content

The difference one year can make...

At the end of the day it has really always been about gender presentation.

I don’t hate being male and have only ever wanted to have more fluidity of gender expression. It’s part of who I am and to achieve it I need not do anything to my body.

It was something that came naturally to me right from the very beginning and had I always been able to do that freely and openly at the outset there would have never been an internal conflict. There is something feminine in my nature which draws life when I am cross dressed. Where that comes from I have not a clue but it does not matter.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with it.

I think for many people currently labelling themselves transgender in our society, this is their true dilemma. Males have traditionally had a far more restrictive set of rules placed on them as to how they can dress and behave and, when that criteria does not fit the individual, there can be psychological damage done; especially when their natural inclinations are sacrificed at the altar of societal expectation.

As the eldest son in a deeply devout and orthodox family, those expectations were quite high and I did what I was told.

However, I can now breathe as I have never been able to do before, knowing that I am loved by God as I am and can express myself where my inclinations always took me without fear. That does not now nor did it ever make me a sinner.

I hope to now be a better partner to my beautiful and intelligent N (if she’ll still have me) and a father to my two great kids who I love dearly. I can be those two things AND express myself as Joanna.

Am I still going to go and see Helene in the fall? Yes I think I will. I am curious as to how others are grappling with this and Helene actually wants me there as she seems to be fascinated with my ability to express myself and with how grounded I am. She thinks I will have a positive influence on the group.

I began this blog on July 31st 2012 and I can really feel the difference that one year can make. The progress has been extremely measurable and I have many of you to thank for your encouragement and your support.

Thank you.

Comments

  1. It has been nice to follow your blog and your development.
    It seems odd for a man to want to dress as a woman. It is the act of dressing that brings a certain amount of peace. It is not necessary to be one or the other. Some of us can be comfortable with a blend of genders.
    Pat

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I could'nt agree more with you Pat. I have stopped asking why I must do this but do it I will and feel fine about it. There is no need for me to do anything more. The blog will continue to exist however...LOL...

      Delete
  2. Joanna. I am very happy and gratified by this post. You have really come a long way and I most say that I am impressed by how you have struggled and grown as a person through this most difficult process.

    I agree with Helene that attending her group will be a good thing. I can just imagine your quiet voice of reason waiting to be heard among all the wailing, lamenting and the gnashing of teeth.

    No doubt you will be assailed as a heretic amongst the 'true believers'. But fear not and just keep the faith. Those that are ready will heed your words. Those that are not, will simply continue on along their own way. That is their right. There are no rules against stupidity or ignorance.

    As you go forward from here. Just remember how you got here. Learn from that and whenever you can, pass it on. One size does not, will not fit all. Each of us must find our own way. Sometimes it is nice to encounter a helping hand or a kind, understanding word. You can be that helping hand and share what you have learned.

    As always, you have my very best

    AQV

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thanks AQV I appreciate the feedback as always.,..

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

my last post

This will be my last blog post.

When I wrote recently that this blog had another seven years of life in it I was trying to convince myself that it was true. It was in fact a little bit of self delusion.

With almost 3,000 posts to date I have accomplished what I set out to do which was to heal myself and in the process share some of the struggle I had been through with others on the chance they might find some value in my words. After seven years of writing, my life still isn't perfect; no one's is. But I have discovered a path forward completely free of the trappings which society would have had me adopt so I could fit in.

Over the last 25 years of my life I have turned over every stone I could find while exploring this topic and in the process realized that we haven't even begun to scratch the surface of this deeply complex subject. What I have ultimately learned is that my instincts have more value than what someone who isn't gender dysphoric writes about me. We are …

epilogue

While this blog is most definitely over, I wanted to explain that part of the reason is that it was getting in the way of writing my next book called "Notes, Essays and Short Stories from the North" which will combine philosophy, trans issues, my observations on life, some short fiction and things that have happened to me over my life and continue to (both trans related and not).

When it is complete I will post the news here and will be happy to send you a free copy upon request in either PDF or eBook format. All I ask is that you provide me with some feedback once you're done reading it.

I'm only in the early stages so it will be a while.

Be well all of you....

sample pages...
















love of self

If you feel you are doing something wrong it shows. Your demeanor, body language and facial expression all conspire to betray you.

You are a clandestine "man in a dress"; you know it and everyone else can too. Your cover has been blown. I've been there and it's frustrating. The source goes back to your self image and the notion that you are somehow a freak of nature; and perhaps you are but what of it? the only way out is to embrace yourself fully and unconditionally. I don't mean to suggest that you are perfect but just that you were created this way and you need not seek forgiveness for it. You are a creation of God.

Misinterpreted religion is a big culprit in all this. These negative images of yourself came from reinforcement of stereotypes by ignorant people interpreting what is right and moral by their own barometer. You simply ingested the message and bought it as the gospel truth. Self confidence and critical thinking is the way out of your dilemma. It can…