I don’t hate being male and have only ever wanted to have more fluidity of gender expression. It’s part of who I am and to achieve it I need not do anything to my body.
It was something that came naturally to me right from the very beginning and had I always been able to do that freely and openly at the outset there would have never been an internal conflict. There is something feminine in my nature which draws life when I am cross dressed. Where that comes from I have not a clue but it does not matter.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with it.
I think for many people currently labelling themselves transgender in our society, this is their true dilemma. Males have traditionally had a far more restrictive set of rules placed on them as to how they can dress and behave and, when that criteria does not fit the individual, there can be psychological damage done; especially when their natural inclinations are sacrificed at the altar of societal expectation.
As the eldest son in a deeply devout and orthodox family, those expectations were quite high and I did what I was told.
However, I can now breathe as I have never been able to do before, knowing that I am loved by God as I am and can express myself where my inclinations always took me without fear. That does not now nor did it ever make me a sinner.
I hope to now be a better partner to my beautiful and intelligent N (if she’ll still have me) and a father to my two great kids who I love dearly. I can be those two things AND express myself as Joanna.
Am I still going to go and see Helene in the fall? Yes I think I will. I am curious as to how others are grappling with this and Helene actually wants me there as she seems to be fascinated with my ability to express myself and with how grounded I am. She thinks I will have a positive influence on the group.
I began this blog on July 31st 2012 and I can really feel the difference that one year can make. The progress has been extremely measurable and I have many of you to thank for your encouragement and your support.