My escapades were starting to feel very empty and boring and since my overlap with the trans community has been less than stellar, meeting new people has boosted my female identity tremendously.
I know it sounds and feels strange to have another identity but it seems to be my only way to make peace with my disphoria.
What's left now is how to fit Joanna into an even more constructive way into my life without her needing to necessarily take over.
I am already seeing signs that this may work because as each outing becomes more valid and constructive to me, the faster I can satiate the beast that is my disphoria. In other words, by drawing more protein I can shorten my time out as Joanna and thereby balancing her presence in my life.
There is also the issue of distraction.
When I am out with N or my children I become distracted with other things and my disphoria ebbs. So there are ways that I can exert control and I need not feel guilt because I tend to want to need to dress more when I am alone.
With the guilt and my obsession in finding a culprit for the source of my disphoria almost gone, I can start to think clearly about how to move forward.
I am perhaps more than ever well on my way to becoming whole and balanced person.