whole and balanced

One of the major changes that's making things work for me has been getting Joanna out and about and social with people. I believe this is a pivotal element that had been missing from my outings.

My escapades were starting to feel very empty and boring and since my overlap with the trans community has been less than stellar, meeting new people has boosted my female identity tremendously.

I know it sounds and feels strange to have another identity but it seems to be my only way to make peace with my disphoria.

What's left now is how to fit Joanna into an even more constructive way into my life without her needing to necessarily take over.

I am already seeing signs that this may work because as each outing becomes more valid and constructive to me, the faster I can satiate the beast that is my disphoria. In other words, by drawing more protein I can shorten my time out as Joanna and thereby balancing her presence in my life.

There is also the issue of distraction.

When I am out with N or my children I become distracted with other things and my disphoria ebbs. So there are ways that I can exert control and I need not feel guilt because I tend to want to need to dress more when I am alone.

With the guilt and my obsession in finding a culprit for the source of my disphoria almost gone, I can start to think clearly about how to move forward.

I am perhaps more than ever well on my way to becoming whole and balanced person.


  1. Have you considered that perhaps it is "Joanna" that is the distraction from those things that really are important to you, like your children, and not the other way around?

  2. I have yes....but after 50 years of trying to solve the riddle I'm tired.,,

  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

  4. Mind you Joanna's existence does not impact them directly. I make sure of that. It is my understanding that there is no known cure for being trans but if you have something I can chomp on I'm all ears. I mean that with all due respect.

    Trust me when I say that I am a master at denial and suppression...

  5. In my case I know that Lindsay is the true me and I suspect that Joanna is the true you. My male personae was just an artificial facade created by my psyche to try to conform to societies expectations. Once Lindsay took control of my life nothing much changed. I still recognize the importance of my relationships with my children, my wife and the rest of my family. That I can still be a motherly influence on my children even though I'm not going to transition.

    Once you accept who you really are, transition becomes much less important. I think you need to just recognize that you are Joanna and it sounds like you mostly have. Just sever the final links to your male self. Joanna will probably whole heartedly agree that the path you chosen is the right one.

  6. One of the key elements of denial, is convincing yourself that all is well. Accepting that you are "trans", IE: a gender dysporic man, allows you to deal with that reality. Persuading yourself against all the evidence, that you are someone you are not is lunacy.

    You can believe what ever you want as long as it works for you. If believing that "Lindsay" is really a woman, (one that looks suspiciously like a man when standing naked in front of a mirror), works for Lindsay, then I am happy that this delusion works for them. I suppose my question for Lindsay would he suggest you be the man that N needs and deserves.,,,and how to be a father to your children and not their other(?), "mother"?

  7. Sorry about the typo.

    I suppose my question for Lindsay would be how would he suggest you be the man that N needs and deserves. And how to be a father to your children and not their other(?), "mother"?

  8. I am not now nor ever have been under the illusion that I am anything other than a gender disphoric. That being said, part of the treatment for that disphoria includes my crossdressing. Without that I have no other line of defense. The trick is to dole it out judiciously....

  9. Lindsay you are right to say that I have chosen the right path. I don't believe that transition is the way to go...

  10. Joanna, I apologize for in advance for what I have written below. I don't feel comfortable bringing this up on someone else's personal blog.

    @AQV, I find your question to me and the comment before it to be inappropriate for Joanna's blog. Aren't we just giving her advice based on our own experiences? I could ask you similar questions and you would accuse me of being hurtful and insulting. Your comment/question also makes it seem like you have forgotten the differences between sex and gender and how they relate to transsexualism. I would expect this from a cis-gendered person not from another TS.

  11. Lindsay I am ok with you expressing yourself here and responding to AQV as long as the discourse is civil. I have had disagreents with her before and we don't quite see everything the same way when it relates to this topic but nothing wrong with saying what you need to...

  12. For the record Lindsay I am on the record many times here about the idea of true transexualism versus the pretend transgenders. For me it has always been a question of the severity of the disphoria that determines whether you can hold out and not transition. All this no longer matters to me as I am dealing with the day to day reality of managing my disphoria. Each individual has their own path and if it helps you to feel you are really a woman then more power to you.

  13. @Lindsay. Perhaps you misunderstand. I try to never give advice. I fully support your right to your beliefs and you methods of coping with and ameliorating your own dysphoria. If it works for you, don't fix it.

    My question to you was how would you suggest that Joanna be the man that N needs and deserves....and the father to his children, while "sever(ing) the final links to your male self"? This has nothing to do with the distinction between sex and gender which should be obvious to even a third grader. I have no problem understanding the distinction.

    Joanna is 'golem', used by the author of this blog as a means to manage his gender dysphoria. The trick in this case is to not be beguiled by this psychic creation into sacrificing those real life people that are part of this man's reality.

  14. Yes I am biilogically male AQV but I would argue that definitely not a normal or conventional one. To what extent I am a male in my brain is the issue at hand. I think lindsay is trying to say she feels more like a woman. You have perhaps earned far more right to that title than she and I do to be certain.

    I would argue that trans people are not entirely what their biological gender would suggest by virtue of this abnormality.

    There are days where I feel like neither which is my eternal dilemna.

  15. But I am comfortable with calling myself a disphoric male....

  16. Joanna. I think that perhaps your trying to view things in terms of "biological gender", is the basis of a great deal of confusion when it come to discussing these things with others who still hold to that old fashioned view that sex and gender describe two different things or conditions and that conflating the two only serves to further add to the confusion by demanding that men with penises
    be seen and/or respected as women. Sheer lunacy IMHO.

    You might care to reference this link.


    1. I dont want to be seen or respected as a woman but simply have my disphoria acknowledged as something real that I did not invent and need to manage (in my case through crossdressing). I have never asked in this blog that I be considered a woman even as I have questioned whether transition would be an option for my condition.

  17. @AQV, please don't read too much into this, but I don't know how to say this gently: now you've confused me, aren't you just a man with a penis? Albeit an inverted one? You're no more a woman than any other TG/TS mtf. As such isn't your gender and sex misaligned?

    I'm glad that you found a way to control your gender dysphoria, others find other ways to do it. I know that you claim that you had to do what you did to survive, but not everyone is suicidal. Being suicidal shouldn't be a requirement, although anyone who is should be given more leeway than other TS's.

    (Sorry again Joanna for this discussion breaking down, but I find it difficult to let AQV stick me with a knife and slowly twist it :-) )

  18. Lindsay I greatly respect AQV and for me she is a woman. Anyone who could do what she did was clearly and totally convinced and I believe her.

    I would prefer that we not insult each other in this blog. We should have civil discourse please....

  19. Ah "Lindsay"... Why are you so angry? You insult me while accusing me of knifing you. Is that not a bit extreme? You made a statement, that Joanna should abandon his male nature. I ask for some clarification in view of the fact that that male nature is of great and vital importance.

    I have seen you express in this extremely hateful and hurtful manner before whenever your hubristic pontifications are questioned. Can't you see how this simply shows how unhappy and deeply disturbed that you are?

    Attacking someone for simply asking a question is a sign of a serious personality disorder. Perhaps you might consider following Joanna's example and seek some counseling for anger management.

  20. @AQV, I really like the way you subtlety slip in hateful and hurtful comments and then act shocked when someone responds in kind. Your are an expert at prefacing your questions with an unnecessary preliminary insult. I'm sorry that I'm not as good as you are at this "talent". You also used the terms delusional and lunacy in referring to me. What you've said shows a complete lack of respect for me as a person and for my opinions. It seems to me that I was presenting an opinion counter to yours and you were berating me to make yours look stronger.

    I don't see where I insulted you, I just pointed out facts. Sorry for my insensitivity. I guess I was trying to emulate you (isn't that a sign of flattery?)

    Don't act hurt when I point out that you're no different than me. A person born a physical male with a female brain. I'm sorry that neither one of us can change that fact.

  21. ROFLMAO!!! You are pathetic! You make dumb and ignorant statements. You tell and individual, who is doing their utmost to "man up" and be a father to his kids and the best man he can to the woman he loves to, "Just sever the final links to your male self". Out of no where you just insert your idiocy that, "There are also types 5 and 6 who decide not to transition."

    When questioned about those statements you lash out at the questioner in the most hurt way you know, by attacking who they are. I know who I am Mister. And that is what just blow you away. You cannot handle that can you?

    You are a 'swish', a cowardly, effeminate man with a penis, taking pretend hormones, wishing, pretending, 'cross-dreaming' he was a girl. You are right, while I respect your right to be anybody you choose to be, I do not respect a man who would attack anyone who questions them rather than back up their statements with reason or fact.

  22. I would really appreciate that we not do battle in the comments section of my blog. I really do understand where each of you is coming from but now its getting nasty. Please I am going to ask you to stop...

  23. OK, I got my point across.


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