I have learnt much over the last year and it mostly relates to giving myself some latitude.

I wasn't raised in a way that allowed me to do this because everything needed to be analysed and understood fully before fully engaging.

Perhaps as a result, I am not a relaxed person and I catch myself having little outbursts of temper when I am not in full control.

My gender issues and, most recently, my son's anxiety battle are areas where I have needed to relinquish much of that desired control. In the process, I am learning some valuable lessons about myself.

So while the thirst still exists to find out the root of my GID, it's no longer mired in the exculpatory but instead driven by a complete certainty that what is accepted as dogma today is wrong and the theories written to explain my behavior do not fit.

Nevertheless I feel good about myself and when I am out as joanna, my head is lifted and I am myself only under different wrapping. It no longer feels, as it used to, like a guilt ridden indulgence to be tolerated but simply a part of who I am.

The laser treatments are over and so is the steady stream of purchases of female clothing. Joanna now has plenty of wardrobe.

In an effort to gain perspective, I am also trying to balance both sides.
If I am indeed on the fence between man and woman then balance is what will be required going forward.

With newly found respect for my female side I can now move firmly in that direction.


  1. The dichotomy that you struggle with is evident from your penultimate paragraph. Focus on balance between both sides rather than viewing the issue as being on the fence between man and woman. If you are straddling the fence and slip just think of what will meet the fence post as one foot falls on one side and the other foot on the other.

    Rather than opting for one over the other it seems like you are doing best when you embrace both sides as making up the whole. If you can accept the mystery of both manifestations as being part of the overall person you may find peace and relief from stress.

    Do you accept the mystery of the Holy Trinity. Does your need to analyze present problems in wondering how adding God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit can equal one God. In the Trinity 1 + 1 + 1 = 1. While I am sorry for using a religious analogy to make my point perhaps Joanna the woman plus your male side will equal a single wonderful whole person.


    PS: Thank you for the call out kudos in your prior post.

  2. I have no issue with the religious analogy Pat since I am a spiritual person. You're also very welcome for the kudos on my previous post...

  3. Oh and it's a very fitting analogy Pat because that very mystery of the trinity appears to be only marginally more mysterious than this gender duality we possess...

  4. Nice analogy, Pat. Nevertheless I believe our mutual friend should give some thought to, and be prepared for, that inevitable "caught with your pants down" moment.

    It may never come to pass, but it is always good to be prepared.

  5. I think the important thing is to not worry about what other people think. If they discover you and they are offend by it, it's really their problem and not yours. Worrying about what others think was part of my GD. When I'm occasionally initially ID'd as female it's always funny watching how apologetic and almost fearful they are when they recognize their mistake. I think they're afraid I'm going to beat them up, which in my case is silly. :-)


  6. I do think about that happening sometimes. It has not happened yet but it likely will as I do spend a lot of time in public as a female. I have been bracing myself mentally for it however and I think I'm ready when and if it happens...and yes I do care far less what prople think than I used to.


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