I have determined that I can manage my life with this knowledge and that I no longer need any more counselling on the matter.
What are they going to do for me anyway? Show me how to cope?
I am already doing that now to the best of my ability. By presenting part time as a woman I can temper my disphoria and not allow it to compel me into transitioning.
Plus I love N, I love my children and I won’t sacrifice that.
Before I understood anything about gender disphoria, I blamed myself exclusively for all of it. I was to blame for desiring to be a female. It was my vice and my compulsion but as I gathered enough self knowledge and learned to understand myself, I realized that no matter how hard I fought nothing was going to change so I might as well adapt.
Perhaps I could have been one of those children that could have been rehabilitated by someone like Zucker. But I kept silent and played in my room alone and went into my mother’s closet when no one was home.
If you keep silent no one can help you except yourself.
My kind of help was to ignore and repress which made things worse and now, as an adult whose disphoria is permanent, I have found a formula that works and I am going to go with it. My sanity and my happiness as a human being hinges on it.
When I am out as Joanna I am recharged and without the guilt that used to follow an outing I can allow that boost of energy help the male me to thrive and be happy.
My doing something as simple as yesterday's visit to a mall I had not been to for a long time and having merchants greet me in such a positive fashion is the kind of boost I thrive on. A short conversation in a dress shop about the manager’s upcoming vacation is the stuff that keeps me happy because it allows Joanna to be real if but for a few hours.
If you ask me to explain it I am unable to except to say that instinctively it feeds the soul in a way that I do not comprehend. The combination of factors that made me this way are increasingly less important than the way I manage my life going forward.
The next series of steps will revolve around becoming truly whole and finding as much balance as I can so I can be the best partner and parent that I can be; disphoric or not.