If you feel stuck in the middle....

I feel pretty good for 51 years of age.

Sure there are small aches and pains here and there and I have some stubborn Achilles tendon issues on my right leg but things could be a lot worse.

I have allowed my brain (somehow intersexed at birth) to flourish as both male and female personas. Yes I am very much enjoying my time out as Joanna but I am also enjoying my time as a male and being a partner to my beloved N.

My secret to being happy has been in allowing myself the dignity to be a real woman (at least in my mind) and when I am out as Joanna I have rid myself of all doubt that I am female thereby removing any angst,apprehension or guilt about what I am doing.

If you, like me, also fall into a Benjamin type 3 or 4, there is no simple solution for you as full transition will be a mistake but then you will never be normal either; at least not "general society" normal.

So in following up on my last post, I think that the mind of the type 3 or 4 gender dysphoric needs to go through a complete mental transformation; one which rejects the typical two gender model which we were taught to adhere to. Once you accept that your sense of internal gender is not like that of most, you will be able to find a new set of gender expression guidelines that best apply to you.

It’s like fashioning a new type of compass that only applies to you.

Yesterday I went to Easter service and afterwards had a short coffee with Janet – an older lady who regularly attends Mass there and whom I have befriended. She has no doubt that I am a woman and when I am speaking with her I have no doubt that I am one either. It may be a trick of the mind but it works for me.

This new way of viewing my situation has helped avoid the “gender expression deprivation anxiety” which Anne Vitale has so succinctly coined and of which I spoke about a few posts ago.

It’s really good to live in a way I have always wanted to but was afraid to for fear of rejection and ridicule.

If you feel stuck in the middle, there may still be a formula that works for you; one which need not necessarily involve picking one gender over the other.