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even now

I've been reflecting lately on the idea of control. Should I curb and control my cross gender expression? but then I realize I already am. Neither N nor my children nor my extended family see Joanna which is already a form of control.
When I was very young, I would run to my mother's closet as soon as no one was home. I would take advantage of perhaps one hour of crossdressing which would make itself available to me very sporadically. With a large family like mine, I knew I had to make the best of those moments.

Despite the fact that I dress daily, there is still a parallel in that the lion's share of my time is spoken for and when I am on my own my desires take me to that same place. I don't spend all of my alone time dressed as joanna mind you, but enough to satisfy that need.

Every so often, there are still vestiges of the feeling that I had to drown this in the bathtub. I now try and put away those negative thoughts in favour of thinking that I am just being myself only dressed differently. That negative programming is so pervasive that even now I must still perform some curative cheerleading on myself; albeit much less frequently. For as time moves on I am getting better and better at dismissing that occasional negativity and it's rearing its head less and less. What I am doing is clearly working.

I could have begun a new blog with this new mindset of mine but I prefer to keep the struggle I went through here if it helps someone else. I don't often go back and read those early entries but I am always struck by how different my tone, emphasis and level of calm have changed.


Comments

  1. I have noticed the qualatative morphing of much but not all of the tone of your posts. In the early days each entry was like pulling a large sticky bandage off of an open wound slowly. The pain was evident and you could never be sure if bandage removal was undoing the healing process.
    Now the bandage is gone and healing has proceeded nicely but there are a few scabs over the wound that you still need to pick at and pull from time to time. You are moving to the point where the scabs are small and disappearing but the old wound is there and the mostly healed wound still calls out for scratching from time to time.

    Pat

    PS: I am not often one for using analogies but the evolution of your calming just seemed to lend itself to the healing wound concept. Sorry.

    ReplyDelete
  2. "Just being yourself " is such a huge step isn't it? Something civilians take for granted and we come to cherish. Only one of many revelations for us.

    xx Halle

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