him or her?

Yesterday N and I were chatting before dinner and the name Joanna Cassidy came up in the context of one of us mentionning "Six Feet Under". You might recall her as a character on the critically acclaimed HBO show.

Then suddenly she asks me if I feel like I am more (insert my male name) or more Joanna. I had to think about it for a second but having to answer that on the spot is actually quite complex. I alluded to that challenge in my response although I can't repeat verbatum how I answered. I thought about it again this morning and thought I would respond more fully here because I know she sometimes reads my blog.

The male and female me are not characters I play but more like gender presentations that reflect my mood while still reflecting the same internal essence. I don't know why this dichotomy exists in me but at this point it doesn't matter because I am happy. Even if the vast majority of the world's population has no such need, there are those like me that do. I have tried to repatriate Joanna and the male side but have realized thar this is not what my psyche desires; I seem to need those two entities to live separately.

I am not looking to express androginy but instead femaleness even if the source of this requirement is beyond my own understanding.

So my response is to say I have no iron clad answer other than to say that I am a unique being with my own needs and desires and I will continue to embrace that uniqueness by not rejecting any aspect of that reality.

Who do I prefer? I prefer both.



Comments

  1. Hi Joanna!
    I’ve just read your post and had to say something as it has to do wuth the discussion I’m having with myself at the moment. Since I’ve come to realise that my feminine side is now appearing and interacting actively with the world and not just sitting back and longingly looking on, I have tried to go into myself to see if there is really two of us cooped up in here (“Book” representing my male attributes and “Abigale” the feminine) or just the one multifaceted me who enjoys the ever shifting conventional male and female aspects of our world. I’m not really clear at the moment who and how many I am or becoming (sounds eerie doesn’t it). I know that I’m unique (who isn’t) and I don’t see myself as totally “pigeoholeable” from others and with all due respect I don’t see why I should be. Social conventions and acceptability will change over time, each of us will to some extent be influenced by this, but our top directive is to be true to ourselves and we can only hope we know ourselves well enough to know what that is.. ..err.. sorry I think I just lost myself there.
    I have many roles when I interact with the world, some happy, some sad, some gendered; some not and they are all written by me. I’m Book and Abigale, sometimes one shines through, sometimes the other...
    Now we will go off and try to understand what we have written… Love
    Abigale

    ReplyDelete
  2. I thank you abigale for this very heartfelt admission. Knowing yourself and understanding what that implies may have to trump social convention and maybe that's just fine. In the end we need to be happy even if others are made uncomfortable by it. You go girl!.......joanna

    ReplyDelete
  3. There are things we do, ways we act. These can be rehearsed, or seemingly innate and can often seem male or female, especially the extremes.
    It seems to me that when we move into the realm of what is in our heart this changes. I can only say that in my own case one person resides here now.

    Sometimes finding a way to seem to be the man while being true to that inner singular person is challenging.

    As Abigale says, time to go off and try to understand what that means.

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  4. well maybe you don't need to seem to be the man when you don't want to Halle. I don't know how you manifest that but is there a way that you can find that allows you to be who you are inside even for some of the time? I know not everyone who is dysphoric cross dresses but that is only one way among others.....

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  5. Inside, who I am is constant. Can't say how it seems to the observer, but when I'm worried about someone noticing an incongruence I get quiet. Mostly people see what they expect to see, so in this case clothes do make the man.

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  6. people do see what they want to see and when I am Joanna I want them to see a woman and that helps dictate how I want them to treat me which only further encourages a feminine comportment I am not normally permitted to show when I present as male. I wished I understood it more but I don't and that's okay. Sometimes I get read and that is the same thing as people finding an incongruence but instead of finding that terrible I now enjoy watching how the rest of the interaction ensues. I just no longer care whether they like it or not; it simply is what it is.

    ReplyDelete

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