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two halves make a whole

The last number of posts I've been boring you with gender theory and summarizing some of the things I've learnt over the years. It's the work I needed to do to make sure I wasn't crazy, perverted or deranged and that I hadn't created all of this in my mind. Maybe you don't find any of it comforting but I did because as difficult as it is to come to terms with accepting you have gender dysphoria it's made just a little more digestible by knowing that it's not your fault.

What I do know is that partial self acceptance does not work. This condition demands full and head on acceptance which restablishes your self esteem and your own sense of normality. No you are not statistically normal but who cares about statistics.

The risk of partial self acceptance could have you thinking that only a full transition is the right solution and, while this may very well be the way to go for you, it may just not be. Being in an uncomfortable middle can be disconcerting because feeling neither fully male nor fully female can seem like a purgatory. But if we remember that our sense of gender identity has a lot to do with what's between our ears we can then exert some form of control over what we think and feel and the set point you are looking for may not be as far away as you think. As it turned out mine wasn't as far fetched a proposition as I thought but I never allowed myself to attain it due to my perennial existence in a zone of self created indecisiveness and fear.

Self love and dignity are pivotal here. You cannot think that your current state as an abnormal male is a failure when in fact it is anything but. Adversity makes us stronger and being challenged in this area for most of my life has made me stronger than ever. My male and female animals are now united and I own them both without reservation. I am whole.

If transition is for you, shouldn't the point at which you love yourself be the spring board for a future transition instead of a point of despair and rejection of your maleness?

Comments

  1. No, not boring Joanna! I sit on the other side of the world and yet I feel you are speaking directly to me. After a lifetime of sublimation and denial, this thing has hit me like a train, and everyday I feel the schism between what might have been, what I am and how I see myself. Everyday I find something in your writing which makes me feel as if there is a way to be, express and indeed, as you say, love both my male and female. I am really grateful for the effort that you make in what you do here. Barbara

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  2. I am so glad that you find this useful Barbara. It took me a long time to get where I am and if I can help others it makes me feel wonderful. Thank you!

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