Skip to main content

all I've ever wanted

Now that I am completely relaxed in public as Joanna I work harder at analyzing my thought patterns. It's a kind of exercise that I couldn't do before because I was too caught up in the nervousness and mechanics of "passing". What's interesting is now that I no longer worry about that aspect, I blend in all the better and am addressed and treated as a woman almost without exception.

I now ponder on the draw of being out in the world as Joanna. The short answer is that I don't honestly know but the longer answer is far more complex than that. I know that I feel an internal peace and joy of being able to somehow partake in the world of women. It touches on a deeply rooted wish that I've possessed since earliest memory and, now that I am able to fully discard my self imposed roadblocks, I can fulfill it in my own way.

We are not allowed to feel pretty and feminine and I want to be able to. As Joanna I try to present as a feminine woman; not a caricature but an actual woman who prefers dresses to pants and heels to running shoes. I dress to blend in and have no interest in being overtly sexy or alluring. What I am interested in accessing femininity and in expressing it.

Just don't ask me why.

Last night I was at the dollar store when a couple of ladies stopped me in my tracks. The younger of the two said in French: "Madame could you help us reach this item?". Neither of them could have been taller than 5 feet and they obviously needed help which I was only too happy to provide. They were both very thankful and the older of the two, who I presumed to be the mother of the other, asked me if I was married and if my husband was as tall as I was. She then asked me my name in a lovely Mediterranean tinged French accent that I took to be of Italian origin and told me she would pray for me. I found them both very charming and we had a brief chat before parting ways.

This is the type of exchange that makes my outings just a little more special and I am thankful for them.

Comments

  1. Simply beautiful and so very affirming.

    ReplyDelete
  2. recently i have explained when asked that i go out as diana doing regular errands simply to please me not to attract anyone. most people are pleasantly surprised at this comment. but as i understand myself more and more it is true i try to blend in dressing appropriately for the time of day and day of the week as diana. my days wardrobe will center around a particular artical of clothing that draws my thoughts ie a set of boots or sweater. and then i'll build the days outfit around that item. i get bumed out if i find that the only thing that works with the outfit is in the wash LOL. but in talking with GG's this seems to be how many GG's pick out the outfit for the day. i have found that gals dress for the fun of the outfit and many guys dress for the function of the outfit ie as it keeps them warm in cold weather.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

One transgender woman's take on AGP

This entry from the transhealth website dates back to 2001 and it offers a very nice dissection of the now mostly debunked but still controversial AGP theory and how this transgender woman could care two cents about it. People who have been trying to marginalize the experience of gynephilic transwomen have pushed for the stigmatizing idea that they are actually perverted men. Well this soul, who couldn't give a hoot either way, isn't buying any of it and her frankness at times had me chuckling to myself as I read her posting. If we ever met I would give her a hug for seeing through the BS but mostly for being herself: "About a year ago I was reading on Dr. Anne Lawrence’s site about a new theory of the origin of trans called “autogynephilia.” This theory asserts that many trans women—and transsexual women in particular—desire reassignment surgery because they are eroticizing the feminization of their bodies. The first thing that struck me about it, of course, was t

Never Say Never....

 I was certain that I would never post here again and yet, here I am. It’s been several years, and life has changed me yet again. I have burrowed further into my psyche to discover more internal truths about myself all in the silence of a life lived with more periods of reflective solitude than ever before. After attempting for many years to be a problem solver for others, I needed to dig deeply to discover who I was, which should be a necessity for all people and an absolute imperative for those of us who dare rub against the grain of conventional society. The most important thing we can do for ourselves is honor the internal voice which has driven us since childhood. That whisper which we were compelled to ignore through our initial indoctrination must be listened to again for guidance. I knew I had spent too long heeding messaging that wasn’t working for me as a trans person, and it was time to stop. For the world gleefully basks in a level ignorance and hypocrisy we are not abl

my last post

This will be my last blog post. When I wrote recently that this blog had another seven years of life in it I was trying to convince myself that it was true. It was in fact a little bit of self delusion. With almost 3,000 posts to date I have accomplished what I set out to do which was to heal myself and in the process share some of the struggle I had been through with others on the chance they might find some value in my words. After seven years of writing, my life still isn't perfect; no one's is. But I have discovered a path forward completely free of the trappings which society would have had me adopt so I could fit in. Over the last 25 years of my life I have turned over every stone I could find while exploring this topic and in the process realized that we haven't even begun to scratch the surface of this deeply complex subject. What I have ultimately learned is that my instincts have more value than what someone who isn't gender dysphoric writes about me. We