There seem to be so few winners when transgender people come out after years of secrecy and nowhere is the impact more keenly felt than on relationships. Even when entering into one with pre knowledge, there are no easy solutions. This is especially true for the gynephilic male to female.

The vast majority of genetic females are genetically wired to sexually desire a man. We can explain to them and to ourselves that gender identity and orientation are not always related but doesn’t do anything for a woman who thought she married a normal man.

When the transgender person enters into a marriage early in his life he often thinks he can drown that part of himself in the bathtub; I know I did. So the marriage is entered into with an earnest belief that he is not deceiving anyone. Once the dysphoria reaches a fever pitch (typically after the age of 40) something must be done or risk a mental breakdown.

The transgender person once self realized suddenly wants to expand the exploration of what they believe to be their true gender. But in the wake of that new found freedom is a partner often left feeling justifiably betrayed and angry.

The challenge for the woman then becomes how much they love their partner beyond a gender stereotype. But that is a lot to ask of a person who is not predisposed to be attracted to another woman. In truth it’s not uncommon to see some couple remain together strictly for practical reasons and due to a bond formed out of a shared history. The romantic love (which by now has likely waned regardless of this issue) now disappears entirely and is replaced by a friendship. This is probably the best case scenario with the worst being outright divorce.

That very precarious balance between gynephilic MtFs being true to their identity while being with a genetic female is almost impossible to attain without much compromise on both sides. I know of people who have not transitioned strictly because of the love for their partner and have found other ways to cope with their dysphoria.

People who crossdress on occasion and who’s dysphoria is relatively mild can usually find some form of compromise with a loving and understanding partner. As one cranks up the dysphoria levels, however, the solutions become increasingly hard to find.


  1. This post hit fairly close to home. Being married over four decades there is a large element of practicality overlaying our love and friendship that will always keeps us togehter as friends and lovers.
    While it may be easier for me to accept my gender issues for my wife there is the irrefutable sense that my wanting to go out dressed as a woman is just not normal. Since I doubt that I would ever pass and since I am very recognizable she would not know how to deal with the embarassment if anyone (friends or family) were to find out our great secret.
    I also can relate to the concept of modulating dysphoria levels. There are times when my needs to connect with and express my female leanings are very strong. Clothes are more that a simple means to an end but as I sit here in my office at work I am wearing panties and pantyhose along with a bra under my shirt. It is not all I would like to wear but it helps and it does show how we also need to compromise with ourselves.

  2. I had you in mind as well as others Pat when I wrote this post. We all have our challenges to face and there are no easy answers and no rule books to follow.

  3. As Pat says, this hits close to home for me too and finding that balance between wanting to discover who Susie is and respecting that my partner really doesn't want to be involved with that part of me is proving difficult, and likely to become more so as time goes on.

    1. if you can find the right balance Susie you are way ahead of the game. At least she is tolerant even if she does not want to know or hear?


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