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"She has caused me far too much grief"

When I look at my own life long battle with gender dysphoria, I credit two things with keeping me from doing anything about it: my strict Catholic upbringing and my willingness to want to please my family and conform to expectations. It was really not something I ever questioned until the pot started to boil over in my early forties and I had to face it head on.

Jack Molay wrote something recently in a comment on someone else’s blog that really made me think. He wrote:

“I am not in love with my inner woman. She has caused me far too much grief”

I cannot argue at all with those words because they very adequately describe my own life experience. Gender dysphorics don’t go looking for their condition but rather it happens and they deal with it in the best way they know how. If the world were devoid of prejudice this would not have been a problem but the fact that it is means that most of us suffered greatly for being different and we did so from a young age. We also learnt to be deceitful so we could hide our true feelings.

Sometimes I reflect on I would ever want to push a magic button that would remove my dysphoria for good; after all it has shaped so much of who I am today. Why remove something that has made me grow in ways I could not expect?

Comments

  1. On phrase that comes to mind is that when life hands you a sack of lemons it is good to make lemonade.

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  2. oh how i can relate. my diana self amost and smewhat did drive a wedge between me and my dad. for about 4-5 years but ... i was so lucky that when i came out to him that he was soooo accepting. but the time lost even in previous years when i NEEDED Diana time stole precious moments with my famialy.

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  3. we are our own worst enemies sometimes in thinking that people wont accept us for who we are but are surprised to find sometimes how much people don't react as badly as we imagine thy might. Let's see how my own daughter manages this with me.

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