Skip to main content


I have always believed that a transgender person has to make a compromise in suppressing a part of who they were in order to be in a relationship and I still think this applies in the great majority of cases. I am of course more specifically referring to the woman-loving male to female variety.

Some rare couples buck the trend and what I surmise is that the woman was able to get past the external wrapping and look at the person underneath. To be frank I don’t think I could do it myself so I am in awe of those who can do this. It must take a huge adjustment and I am certain it’s not like flipping a switch in the brain.

Some of you are in the throes of this sensitive adjustment period right now while others don’t even dare to broach the subject with their spouse for fear of outright rejection. I don’t presume to advise anyone here.

What I do know is that suppression for you as a dysphoric does not lead to a good outcome. I mentioned recently that the ageing process tends to liberate you and removes the social barriers that held you back. When this happens you are more than likely going to want to act on years of keeping things bottled inside.

I feel terrible for spouses because in our attempts to stem the tide that is our dysphoria, we are actually doing them a disservice. Better to come out and tell it like it is. But we were raised during a time when being our true selves was not an option so we came to genuinely believe that we could to win over our dysphoria. We couldn't have been more wrong.

My ex-spouse and I are on better terms today and we can communicate about our kids in a pragmatic way without arguing. It wasn’t that long ago that we couldn’t be in the same room for more than a few minutes at a time. I would like if she could find someone to make her happy one day especially since our two are getting older and more independent.

When I reflect back I think I gave her a stable life but in some ways she was sharing it with a complete stranger.


  1. The longer I live the more I realize just how messy life is. However, I have little patience with individuals who are so self-centered that they can dismiss their reckless behavior with a flippant, "You can't make scrambled eggs without breaking a few eggs." Based upon what I have read of your writings, that is not you. Have you caused pain by your change in the course of your life? I would think the simple answer is yes you have. There is no getting away from that. However, the mess you have created has more in common with the mess of a building site than with vandalism. You are rebuilding your life in a new direction. Perhaps in time those whom you love and even your former spouse will see the long term value of the temporary mess.


Post a comment

Popular posts from this blog

my last post

This will be my last blog post.

When I wrote recently that this blog had another seven years of life in it I was trying to convince myself that it was true. It was in fact a little bit of self delusion.

With almost 3,000 posts to date I have accomplished what I set out to do which was to heal myself and in the process share some of the struggle I had been through with others on the chance they might find some value in my words. After seven years of writing, my life still isn't perfect; no one's is. But I have discovered a path forward completely free of the trappings which society would have had me adopt so I could fit in.

Over the last 25 years of my life I have turned over every stone I could find while exploring this topic and in the process realized that we haven't even begun to scratch the surface of this deeply complex subject. What I have ultimately learned is that my instincts have more value than what someone who isn't gender dysphoric writes about me. We are …


While this blog is most definitely over, I wanted to explain that part of the reason is that it was getting in the way of writing my next book called "Notes, Essays and Short Stories from the North" which will combine philosophy, trans issues, my observations on life, some short fiction and things that have happened to me over my life and continue to (both trans related and not).

When it is complete I will post the news here and will be happy to send you a free copy upon request in either PDF or eBook format. All I ask is that you provide me with some feedback once you're done reading it.

I'm only in the early stages so it will be a while.

Be well all of you....

sample pages...

love of self

If you feel you are doing something wrong it shows. Your demeanor, body language and facial expression all conspire to betray you.

You are a clandestine "man in a dress"; you know it and everyone else can too. Your cover has been blown. I've been there and it's frustrating. The source goes back to your self image and the notion that you are somehow a freak of nature; and perhaps you are but what of it? the only way out is to embrace yourself fully and unconditionally. I don't mean to suggest that you are perfect but just that you were created this way and you need not seek forgiveness for it. You are a creation of God.

Misinterpreted religion is a big culprit in all this. These negative images of yourself came from reinforcement of stereotypes by ignorant people interpreting what is right and moral by their own barometer. You simply ingested the message and bought it as the gospel truth. Self confidence and critical thinking is the way out of your dilemma. It can…