Even if I have always been attracted to women, my dysphoria actively conspires against my ability to perform in the way most men do. When I began this blog this fact disconcerted me a great deal because I felt it was my biggest hurdle; that and my desire to crossdress.
Putting myself in the mental role of the female is something that N rightfully has found to be troubling and I have done my best to explain that I have always been this way and don’t know any different. I love her and this reality has nothing to do with her or with anything she does.
When I am alone, my sexual fantasies place me not with a male or a female but rather as embodying some aspect of womanhood. I have also worked hard to study myself and try to understand how my dysphoria functions. My plan has always been to avoid the temptation to transition since I know my existence would not necessarily improve and could just end up trading one set of circumstances for another. Every big change in life inevitably brings both good and bad.
I now understand that gender dysphoria is intrinsically tied to sexuality and you cannot entirely unbind it from your gender identity.
But even as I no longer see being transgender as an illness and more as a variant of humanity, I nevertheless acknowledge that it takes a long time to adapt to this reality. It is a challenge like any other and one which could hardly be described as being the worst among those faced by other people in this world.
Besides helping others, this blog is driven by the fact that the people most vocal about what makes us tick are often those least well placed to do so. This is why I constantly advocate the idea that you need to trust your instincts above all and proceed accordingly until science catches up with all of this.