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Let’s face it: you as a transgender person aren’t going to change and your partner deserves to know the truth.

My ex-wife should have been told from the outset but I honestly and truly believed that I could defeat my dysphoric feelings and lead a normal life. When you don’t come clean both of you suffer. She gets a person who is hiding and not truly themselves and you cannot divulge your true identity thus wind up living in fear of discovery and repression.

But I was brought up during a time when we had little knowledge of what dysphoria was and how to treat it. So I bought into the nuclear model of the family and married, purchased a house and had children. There were other options but I wasn’t ready to know about them until my life crashed.

I have often said here that I don’t regret my life and my marriage, although far from perfect, yielded two children that I love dearly. She and I are able to get along today and discuss things without arguing but of course all the emotional attachment is gone.

I can honestly say that everything I did in my life utilized the best knowledge I had at the time. Over the years I have learned so much not only about this weighty subject but about myself. So much so that I can hardly recognize the person I once was.


  1. Yes, I've always been tragically honest, as if by doing that I am immune to backlash which of course I'm not. That said, I was open with my wife before we married. At least as much as I could, or knew, or had the courage to say.
    And 13 years ago, too, I told her more, although it was more than she could handle while I still didn't really understand myself either.
    So two years ago I really started to open up, suspecting but not convinced I am transgender, what that might mean for me and for us.
    These days I know so much more. No doubt at all that I am transgender and little doubt that I'd ever transition.
    But my wife is having serious problems with all this. I feel it should be obvious but I don't understand. I am the very same person inside and outside. And isn't it great that I, after so many decades, have some thrill for the future?
    Honesty is always the best. But sometimes it sucks too.

    1. unfortunately you are correct Emma there is no simple answer in all this and how can partners be expected to understand something we barely understand ourselves. I hope for both of you that something can be worked out.

  2. As a wife of a trans woman I am eternally grateful she told me early days into our relationship. To be honest I had fallen hook, line and sinker for this person so it was not a game changer for me. We have been through the denial of it all for it all to come and bite her on the bum and I *knew* transition would be the end game years ago when she was trying to convince me and herself that she could continue to live her life as a lie!

    I belong to many partner forums and groups and there is much bitterness that emulates from wives/partners who were told many years later when they believed their life was one thing and turned out to be something completely different by which time children were involved and families were intertwined.

    Yes honesty is the best policy but be prepared for the fallout but it will be less if it is sooner rather than later x

    1. thanks for confirming that it is possible to be honest up front and still be accepted for who you are. I don't believe you are part of a large majority but kudos to you for seeing the whole person rather than just a gender stereotype...

  3. Yes I believe you are right however there is a huge community of accepting partners so although I accept we are not in the majority we are there nonetheless.

    I do my own blog on what it is like to be a partner of a transitioning spouse.

  4. Yes I believe you are right however there is a huge community of accepting partners so although I accept we are not in the majority we are there nonetheless.

    I do my own blog on what it is like to be a partner of a transitioning spouse.


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