Skip to main content

an ode to my father

My father passed away 22 years ago this month.

He was deeply influential in my life and I owe much of my approach to rational thinking to him. He was a mathematician, philosopher, musician, linguist and historian who read voraciously but was also a difficult man to get to know.

He had lost his own father at a very young age and became head of household to his mother, sister and aunt. He survived the Spanish civil war as an infant and knew hunger during those 3 years as it raged over a deeply divided country searching for its identity.

He was as flawed as anyone and had the faults of his qualities some of which we both share. My mother and he made quite the pair with her earthy and quick-tongued practicality pitted against his bookish and sometimes haughty pretence to superiority he would hold over her. I learned much from both and tried to fuse their influences in fashioning my own personal brand.

I am my father’s intellect fused with my mother’s social intelligence. I am also a combination of their flaws in my ownership of an impatient nature, quick tempered flashes and tendencies towards rash judgements about others. I am very consciously and deliberately working towards correcting all of them as I age to varying degrees of success but I am making headway.

The old joke is about the young man aging and realising how much his parents learned over all that time. Only later on does he realize that it was his youthful brashness that he refused to see what was there all along.

As I approach the age at which he passed away I recognize his wisdom all the more.

He died many years before I even began to acknowledge that I suffered from gender dysphoria but I am certain he was the type of person that could be made to understand even if he could not relate.

Comments

  1. Ah yes, wisdom. When we are young it seems like such an outdated and useless concept. And now, having lived three score years, I finally get it. As my father used to joke, "too soon stupid, too late smart."

    My father died about a dozen years ago. I wish I knew then what I know now, as I would've inquired about my early life. I think I must have expressed my inner gender as a toddler to my mother and him, but as an only child and with her being gone many years earlier I'll never have an answer to that.

    Still, your father sounds in some ways like mine. Especially in his later years I think he would have been sympathetic to my plight. Fifty or more years earlier? Hard to say but I can guess!

    We are flawed but doing the best we can with the cards we were dealt. I'm sure your father would be very proud of you.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

One transgender woman's take on AGP

This entry from the transhealth website dates back to 2001 and it offers a very nice dissection of the now mostly debunked but still controversial AGP theory and how this transgender woman could care two cents about it. People who have been trying to marginalize the experience of gynephilic transwomen have pushed for the stigmatizing idea that they are actually perverted men. Well this soul, who couldn't give a hoot either way, isn't buying any of it and her frankness at times had me chuckling to myself as I read her posting. If we ever met I would give her a hug for seeing through the BS but mostly for being herself: "About a year ago I was reading on Dr. Anne Lawrence’s site about a new theory of the origin of trans called “autogynephilia.” This theory asserts that many trans women—and transsexual women in particular—desire reassignment surgery because they are eroticizing the feminization of their bodies. The first thing that struck me about it, of course, was t

epilogue

While this blog is most definitely over, I wanted to explain that part of the reason is that it was getting in the way of writing my next book called "Notes, Essays and Short Stories from the North" which will combine philosophy, trans issues, my observations on life, some short fiction and things that have happened to me over my life and continue to (both trans related and not). When it is complete I will post the news here and will be happy to send you a free copy upon request in either PDF or eBook format. All I ask is that you provide me with some feedback once you're done reading it. I'm only in the early stages so it will be a while. Be well all of you.... sample pages...

my last post

This will be my last blog post. When I wrote recently that this blog had another seven years of life in it I was trying to convince myself that it was true. It was in fact a little bit of self delusion. With almost 3,000 posts to date I have accomplished what I set out to do which was to heal myself and in the process share some of the struggle I had been through with others on the chance they might find some value in my words. After seven years of writing, my life still isn't perfect; no one's is. But I have discovered a path forward completely free of the trappings which society would have had me adopt so I could fit in. Over the last 25 years of my life I have turned over every stone I could find while exploring this topic and in the process realized that we haven't even begun to scratch the surface of this deeply complex subject. What I have ultimately learned is that my instincts have more value than what someone who isn't gender dysphoric writes about me. We