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when I look back

When I was getting married I knew deep down that something was wrong.

It didn’t feel right but I also recall thinking that it was time to get on with my life. My father had died of cancer the year before and I was in my early thirties. After all, this is what normal people do right?

It was a decision I made which although not the best conceived still ended up yielding positive results. I have two children whom I love deeply and an ex-wife who I get along with just fine today. If there are any signs that she regrets our marriage she has yet to show it to me.

I can’t look back to the past and can only look forward and deal with reality which is that I am a borderline transsexual. What I do with that reality is up to me. I don’t see transition as a negative thing in the least but I don’t feel in my bones that I must in order to continue living. It is difficult to live with dysphoria no question but then I have done so for many years with the vast majority of that time using little crossdressing binges to get me by.

My internal discipline is exemplary because I was raised to be that way.

Thus when I compare my ability to grapple with my dysphoria today with what it used to be there is no direct correlation. It is head and shoulders better which is why I can breathe.

My solution may not be optimal and where I to transition I could look back and think why I didn’t do this sooner. Conversely it might not be what I truly need after living over half a century as a male in society and needing to do a complete about face on my history.

One thing I do know for sure is that every path we take in this life comes with a series of obstacles. This cannot be avoided and in that light I see transition as being best undertaken young when those obstacles are prone to be smaller.

Comments

  1. I probably have read hundreds of personal narratives such as this one. It is highly likely that you have as well, maybe even more. There are often points of departure, but at the core there are several threads woven into the fabric of the text. One of these threads is a heightened sense of self. It could be that this is the nature of personal narratives in general and not specific to individuals who struggle with gender identity. Still self-awareness is to be found in these accounts. This is both their strength but also an inherent weakness. The ancients cry, "Know thyself," but knowing yourself isn't an exact science. Self-examination is tricky because objectivity and perspective are minimal. Our judgment is beclouded by its closeness to the subject just like bringing a piece of paper too close to our eyes can obscure the text. It is also obscured our inability to be completely impartial. How can you be when the subject is you? If only we could think and feel what others think and feel even for a brief time, we might change our narrative. We might discover that the doubts and concerns we have aren't uniquely ours after all, but instead are common to humankind. It could be that the real point of departure isn't what we know or think we know, but that we act upon those thoughts and feelings.

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    1. Kati knowing yourself can never be an exact science because we are emotional and sentient creatures that need to ground ourselves somewhere. This is why it becomes incumbent upon you to find your own internal reality because no one else can do that for you. For me it was about disengaging from trying to be someone I wasn't and just free myself to be me. It took a lot of effort to do that but self-definition is the key to escape the worst aspects of gender dysphoria.

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