Skip to main content

you will get what you think you deserve

I had already prepared this post but then it became even more relevant upon reading Jack's latest Crossdreamers post on finding love.

It’s very common to see trans people feel they are lucky to be with someone who tolerates them and for some this may be very true. For example if you have pushed the envelope into transition after not announcing you were trans from the outset, you should consider yourself very fortunate.

Conversely I think some set themselves up to get only what they think they deserve. What do I mean by this? That our natural self destructiveness conspires to set the bar very low and some of us are prone to settle for someone who is at best not repulsed by the idea that we are transgender. This is not exactly an earth-shattering gold standard.

Yes we represent a needle in a haystack but if we exist then so do they and I am certain that there is statistically a larger group of women who would welcome a transgender partner than our actual percentage in society.

Setting the bar low from the outset will only ensure that both of you will suffer should you realize later into the relationship that you want a freer range of expression than she is prepared to accept. I understand this is hard for people already in existing relationships but for those open to engaging in something new, here is your chance to be who you really are.

Take the time while you are alone to really understand yourself and, once there, be open to possibilities without bending one inch of your identity.


Comments

  1. I love both the title and your points in this post. I think there are many people who capitulate for their marriage or partner because of self-worth issues. It's hard to really know when you're in the middle of it all because a) we often don't know ourselves or what we really want/need very well, b) we know that mature relationships are built around differences, c) it's impossible to predict the future priorities and revelations and our evolution(s).

    Maybe the marriage vows are a bit outdated. I think we would agree that "for better or worse, in sickness and in health" means that no matter what we are married and will stay that way until we pass on. My wife is feeling some guilt about that given that she asked me for a divorce. I told her not to be. I don't want us to stay together out of guilt or obligation. We both know much more about ourselves than we did 20 years ago. It doesn't help though to look backward. We take our marriage seriously but also understand the value of being true to ourselves and the limited time we have. Carpe diem!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I was in exactly the same spot as you are now back in 2008 Emma and we don't know ourselves fully or perhaps won't admit it. But you cannot live a lie and neither can they. No one is at fault and now you will have a chance to figure out who you really are.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

my last post

This will be my last blog post.

When I wrote recently that this blog had another seven years of life in it I was trying to convince myself that it was true. It was in fact a little bit of self delusion.

With almost 3,000 posts to date I have accomplished what I set out to do which was to heal myself and in the process share some of the struggle I had been through with others on the chance they might find some value in my words. After seven years of writing, my life still isn't perfect; no one's is. But I have discovered a path forward completely free of the trappings which society would have had me adopt so I could fit in.

Over the last 25 years of my life I have turned over every stone I could find while exploring this topic and in the process realized that we haven't even begun to scratch the surface of this deeply complex subject. What I have ultimately learned is that my instincts have more value than what someone who isn't gender dysphoric writes about me. We are …

epilogue

While this blog is most definitely over, I wanted to explain that part of the reason is that it was getting in the way of writing my next book called "Notes, Essays and Short Stories from the North" which will combine philosophy, trans issues, my observations on life, some short fiction and things that have happened to me over my life and continue to (both trans related and not).

When it is complete I will post the news here and will be happy to send you a free copy upon request in either PDF or eBook format. All I ask is that you provide me with some feedback once you're done reading it.

I'm only in the early stages so it will be a while.

Be well all of you....

sample pages...
















love of self

If you feel you are doing something wrong it shows. Your demeanor, body language and facial expression all conspire to betray you.

You are a clandestine "man in a dress"; you know it and everyone else can too. Your cover has been blown. I've been there and it's frustrating. The source goes back to your self image and the notion that you are somehow a freak of nature; and perhaps you are but what of it? the only way out is to embrace yourself fully and unconditionally. I don't mean to suggest that you are perfect but just that you were created this way and you need not seek forgiveness for it. You are a creation of God.

Misinterpreted religion is a big culprit in all this. These negative images of yourself came from reinforcement of stereotypes by ignorant people interpreting what is right and moral by their own barometer. You simply ingested the message and bought it as the gospel truth. Self confidence and critical thinking is the way out of your dilemma. It can…