I attribute this feeling to the fatigue and disenchantment of having experienced relationships that didn’t work but also from coming closest to being the person I should have always been all along and now don't want to tamper with.
I don’t envy the partners of older transgender people. We who have taken so long to come to terms can compare our progress to a patiently moving snail. We lurch along to finally come to a resting point that often surprises the partner who justifiably can claim false advertising, but even sometimes ourselves who were certain that place was elsewhere on the spectrum.
In my case being transgender wasn’t really what ended each relationship but not being able to be fully myself complicated matters by adding a layer of stress that I didn’t need and amounted to me feeling like an important part of who I was need not manifest itself. In other words, I felt I needed to make sure it stayed compartmentalized and out of view.
This is not to assign blame as much as to point out the reality that if the partner is in any way uncomfortable with your identity, you will feel this discomfort at times in a very palpable way. But now I am truly at ease with a way of living that I won't roll back for anyone because one doesn't negotiate an identity.
So my advice to potential partners would be "caveat emptor" (buyer beware) and to the transgender person I would say “know thyself” as soon as possible so you can be your true self right from the start. In that regard, I am so glad for today's youth for they will be able to tackle their dysphoria head on much earlier in life and avoid this type of scenario.
I have now been writing this blog for almost 5 years and I have come a long way since then. Hopefully I will have many years still to go living as myself.