Since my transgender nature was such an unwelcome appendage for so long, the process of repatriation has brought the inconsistency of days when I am sure I should pursue a transition and others when I am just as certain I should not.
I think this is result of my attempt to fuse the male and female animas into one person after they were estranged for so long. I sometimes read about transgender women who remain tomboys because they have managed to fuse both the male and female in order to craft a unique identity which refuses to be stereotypical.
When we first start exploring our feminine side we are caricatures of women until we find our sea legs and reach a type of maturity that we can settle into. Would I be happier going to work or anywhere else and having the sartorial freedom that a woman possesses? For that is one aspect that I would gain once I cross that threshold. But it is much more than about clothing and really about the root of who you are on the inside that begs answering.
This process takes time to reveal itself and my exploration by living part time is what will ultimately resolve the question. No matter what I decide there will be no right or wrong answer but simply my own.
The other day I spoke to my ex-wife about the thought process I am mired in and she tries to understand. We are at a junction that the acrimony has morphed itself into a unified interest in making sure our children do well. No matter what I would decide to do she would respect it and I appreciate her support. A recent chat with my youngest sister yielded the same result and she wonders if it might not be confusing to live in two worlds the way I do.
With the sacred cows gone all that remains is pure reflection.