with time....

The trans brain is different. We haven’t found the exact tracer yet but hopefully we will some day. Then again we might not because gender identity has many layers to pass through to establish itself and is a mix of nature and nurture where anomalies might not so easily be discovered.

We know we are fundamentally different since very young and hopefully we figure out how to deal with this reality over time. Ignoring it is not an option because when you least expect it, it will bubble to the surface and threaten to destroy your life. It happened to me and I survived despite some difficult times.

I then came to a solid conclusion: I am a transsexual.

I have known this for quite some time with the challenge then becoming how to deal with it right in the middle of a life full of responsibility. When I retraced the steps of my life without blinders and devoid of preconceived ideas it was obvious and staring me right in the face. You can refuse to believe it but it will do you no good to ignore it because it refuses to be ignored.

I don't think that gender dysphoria grows worse with time, instead you just get tired of holding back the flood gates and become less certain about why you still need to.


  1. I'd prefer it if we had an objective, definitive test to determine if we are trans. In the absence of that we have to courageously embark on our own personal journeys of exploration, discovery, and education.

    "We know we are fundamentally different since very young and hopefully we figure out how to deal with this reality over time." Definitely, since pre-school and kindergarten I was all too aware of how much I wanted to be a ballerina, play with the girls, and be a Blue Bird (like a pre-Girl Scout)... and how ashamed I was of myself and how my feelings were such a terrible secret.

    "When I retraced the steps of my life without blinders and devoid of preconceived ideas it was obvious and staring me right in the face." In case it might help others what cemented my understanding and acceptance of my being trans was assembling a list of thoughts, experiences, and fantasies, grouped by age-group, from my earliest memories to the present. As you said it was then staring me in the face, over five decades of undeniable evidence.

    Knowing that one is trans is a major puzzle piece but then there's the question of where one resides under the umbrella: should I transition? And if so, how far?

    Dara Hoffman-Fox wrote that we should ask ourselves that question and trust our instincts. My instinct was to run and hide, having so many conflicting emotions that I couldn't tell what I really need. I thought about this question a lot and one day, when my mind was clear (after watching a movie) the question returned and I instantly thought, "Of course, who wouldn't transition?" I knew of course that most people would not but I also finally had my own answer.

    1. getting to a clear path forward without those conflicting emotions is what takes so long. You seem to have filtered them all down for which I am very glad

  2. I tend to believe that the distinction between transgender and intersex will break down the more we are able to map the terrain of neurophysiology and its correlates to professed subjectivity. It will never be as simple as pointing to an obviously female brain in an otherwise obviously male body, but signatures and patterns in neurophysiological activities are already being seen and studied.

    1. I agree that it will never be that simple as an obvious female brain in a male body and neurophysiology offers a different terrain to map albeit one that is more nebulous and subjective. I continue to maintain that perceived gender contains a high degree of subjectivity anyway and involves a multi-layered and multi-sensory process that begins at conception and starts to solidify around the age of 2. This is why it is so hard to pin down and why it is easy pickings for enemies of trans people to drift back to birth sex as being the only determinant.

  3. I feel as though I could almost have written this as it describes me so well although in my case the realisation came like a blinding light when I had already been retired for a few years. Better late than never!

    I wrote a ‘herstory’ cataloguing my gender variant, for want of a better description, feelings, reactions, behaviour and events. It confirmed my conclusion that I am trans! This increased my self-understanding by orders of magnitude bringing a certain amount of self-acceptance and calm at last in place of the denial, incomprehension and frustration.

    I am now working through how to handle my realisation and lead a happy and fulfilling life. This is likely to take several years.


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