resolution

Why and how can eroticism shift and wane and pave the way towards late onset transsexualism? The answer is we do not know but I believe it is a mixture of factors which are not limited to but can include:

• Declining testosterone levels
• Increased confidence in oneself and disregard for the opinions of society
• An ability to finally comprehend oneself sexually

The first two are almost obvious but the third is trickier because it involves separating the attraction towards being female we have always had and the discovery we were attracted to them sexually. Since these two things became fused at puberty, dissecting them becomes very difficult to almost impossible until we have dealt with the first two points. In other words, one cannot understand oneself until all of the shame and guilt is removed and we can truly analyze our thought patterns and put them into perspective.

To a great extent, I have managed to do this but it took me many years. Before that I would simply denigrate my feelings. I would throw away the clothes and think about something else for months at a time until the urge returned with a vengeance. I have now given my feelings validity and in doing so my sexuality, unusual as it is, has become more real to me. Since it is never going to change I finally came to terms which then permitted entertaining the idea of a social transition.

Some people remain permanently lodged in a level which doesn't point towards any kind of resolution. For example they might go to fetish clubs or indulge in sissy fantasies and then go back to a "normal" life. This permits a compartmentalization of their feelings and perhaps a way to gain a measure of control. Many are even able to do this for years without a partner knowing.

In the end, there are no simple answers but facing your sexuality in full daylight can go a long way towards resolving where you sit on the spectrum that is humanity and come to some form of resolution.


Comments

  1. Revolution + Revelation = Resolution? In my case, also divided by some Restitution.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. A little bit of both is good yes. There definitely needs to be a revolution in there

      Delete
  2. Even long before puberty I was ashamed of my wishes and dreams, and even then went through clothing acquisition (robbing my mother's Goodwill bags, searching through the trash, and even sewing my own in secret) and subsequent purging. After puberty my sexuality emerged. I was never attracted to men; tried an experiment once, ick!

    Although I was ashamed of my sexual fantasies at least as much as I enjoyed them they felt safe, as if that's "all they are" and I couldn't even conceive of transitioning socially or otherwise.

    But time marched on and I was compelled by my wife and an attempted suicide to return to therapy where I finally confessed it all. It took weeks and months to break through the shame. Even then I was so reluctant to accept that I am trans until I understood it enough to accept its validity and then to assemble the evidence for me to accept what professionals had already suggested, that I am transgender.

    My late onset transition is thus, I think, due more to an increased appreciation for the fact that my life will end eventually and it would be more tragic for me to try to maintain my facade to the end rather than finally confronting my fears and embarking on a step-by-step transition.

    Now, I'm so happy and feel so blessed that I did so. I am just living my life, for the first time, as my authentic self. At times it's like a runner's high but most of the time I'm just another woman on the street. I imagine that most of the time I'm clocked but it doesn't matter to me.

    In fact it may even be better for everyone if people like us are seen as trans women (or men or non binary for that matter). One big reason that gay rights gained legal success in the 70s and the last few decades is that they came out of the closet and were seen, finally, as viable members of society, just people like everyone else.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. One thing, for sure, is that it takes much resolve to reach resolution.

      Delete
    2. I certainly agree Connie! And, I'd like to add, my comment above was in no way intended to challenge Joanna's observations. I just feel compelled (probably all too often!) to add a little color in the hopes that readers may gain that much more.

      Delete
    3. Me too, Emma - not to confuse my "me too" with the current popular use, but I have a few "me too's" toward that, as well......sadly.

      Delete
  3. I for one am glad you ladies are finally living authentically. Life is indeed too short to continue to say what if...

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

One transgender woman's take on AGP

Never Say Never....

my last post