beside myself

It’s getting rarer to present as male when not at work or with my kids, family or friends. Being Joanna is something I find natural and there is no situation where I wouldn’t feel comfortable especially after my swimming experience of late.

If there were a logical next step it would be social transition but that is being mulled over the next few years as I try and strategize how to deal with my work future and financial situation. The reason I don’t feel rushed is that living this way is so much superior to the way I used to. There simply is no comparison.

Some people my age want to rush through a process after decades of suppression but I find my method gives me solid footing and makes the mental gymnastics I must go through more rigorous. When it comes to this issue I don’t agree that you can think too much because it is not a simple process and requires undoing decades of programming. You are like the person leaving the comfort of a cult and trying to find your footing one day at a time.

I come out to people in a matter of fact way now whereas any impetus to do so in the past would have been overtaken by an abject fear. I show people a photo of Joanna and get complimentary comments but it is not that I seek but simply to be transparent which is so cathartic for those of us who have lived in silence for so long. People who aren’t trans cannot understand what that feels like.

I am very happy for those who are young today for the resources and support structure that they can take advantage of. Who knows where I would be now had I been able to access all that during my time. But I don’t dwell on it and am instead beside myself for having gotten this far.

Yesterday my son and I were in front of the psychologist he sees sporadically for his anxiety and she told me he had told her all about me. She also said in front of him how sometimes people like me who are dysphoric opt to transition.

I was so glad that my son is relaxed enough to do this and doesn't put a lot of emphasis on it. Like it's just part of the normal life of his father.


  1. Good for you, Joanna. I’m very happy for you!

  2. As we were discussing, after my very long gestation period, I went full steam ahead, as is my nature. If my situation had permitted it, I can see that your slower and more gradual transition might have allowed me time to do some things differently, and perhaps, better. Having said that, no regrets at this end.

    We are all so different, and must find our own way (or have it thrust upon us).

    1. we are all so different and the circumstances unique that is no right or wrong way. This is the only process that would work for me....immersion through in small steps and test the temperature.


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