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getting to know yourself

When I was growing up, pride was something elusive for me. Not only because my parents brought me up not to be self-aggrandizing but because being thin, shy and transgender ensured that I would not become overly inflated in the ego department.

However, I would use my intellect as a shield and act as if I were above the fray as part of my ruse. I could pretend to feel superior to others but really feel left out through my inability to relate to them in an honest way. It was my method of making sure people didn’t get too close and see the real me.

As the insecurity is burned off with age and we advance in our introspection, we come to terms with who we are. The guard is let down and we learn to relax. In this sense, my coming out to others has been cathartic beyond words and I have let them in to reveal the story of my life; one which necessarily used heavy construction to make certain no soft underbelly was exposed. When we build walls around ourselves, we miss out on true vulnerability and that space is taken up by protections which can inhibit forming true connections; those that can only further encourage self-knowledge.

Getting to know yourself is pivotal and necessitates the removal of the blinders we all have which keep us thinking we are on the right track and, it is only when we permit this to happen, that true self-discovery and healing can take place.

What I possess today is not pride but confidence which is infinitely superior and something not easily rolled back once attained. It has also permeated every area of my life which wasn't always the case.

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