Skip to main content

my face

Over my life I have had a love/hate relationship with my face. I didn't mind the way I looked but I used to hate that I would sometimes appear feminine in pictures and can recall hoping that no one would bring it up. I possess a slight jaw and my nose is aquiline and not particularly big which today helps me to pass but, back when I was deep in denial, one of the worst things you could have said to me was that I looked in any way female.

Contrast this with today where I relish a reality which gives me the freedom to opt out of FFS or hormones (should I decide never to take them).

Transgender people go through phases (sometimes for many years) when we plunge headfirst into defining our masculinity to avoid the inevitable acceptance which must come. We grow beards (as I did in college) and go to the gym to forget that deep inside there is an immovable and permanent identity.

As I examine how I want to live the rest of my life, it is good to know I can bank on genetics I had nothing to do with to help keep my options open.

The picture below is over 10 years old now and I used to view it with a strange mixture of satisfaction and embarrassment; such was the conundrum that my mind was in. But the psyche cannot remain in that state forever and it must come to a place of resolute knowledge of who one is and accept it.

I used to wonder if the face I was given was somehow correlated to my transgender nature and why my brother was not given the same traits I did not like about myself. I don't expect to ever have that answer.


Comments

  1. You describe a situation most of us face (pardon the pun). I hated my face growing up, especially after puberty made it more masculine. Eventually I stopped caring about it entirely. There's a lengthy, well-written article in The New Yorker one or two issues ago about surgical efforts some TG people pursue to feminize their facial features. (It's available on their website.)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. at least with the advent of FFS many more transgender people can lead more comfortable lives as themselves and face much less scrutiny. I know I am quite fortunate but many are not and I have seen testaments to the wonders that this surgery can bring

      Delete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

indoctrination

As transgender people, organized religion hasn't really been our friend however on the other hand it has often had little to do with true spirituality. I needed to learn this over time and much of what I was taught growing up was steeped in the judgmental superstition of society instead of what some creator would demand of me.

Regardless of your belief system, you are a child of the universe and have been endowed with uniqueness and goodness of spirit. You have probably never wished anyone ill will and you have tried your best to live within the absurd coordinate system of humanity. Yet somehow belonging to the LGBT community was entirely your fault.

As I have grown older this inherent irrationality became increasingly evident to me. I knew I was a fundamentally good person and yet I was different in a way which was not of my choosing. Hence with this comprehension my self appreciation and esteem grew in proportion.

Religion for me today seems forever trapped in the misinterpretat…

another coming out

Recently I had lunch with one of the young estimators who occasionally works with me here in Toronto. We were chatting about work and our respective lives when she queried about my love life:

“So how is it going on that front. Meet anyone interesting lately?”

I reflected for a moment and then said:

“My situation is a little particular and if you don’t mind I can share something about myself”

She leaned in a bit and told me to please go ahead.

“I am trans” I said matter of factly.

She looked at me and smiled and said:

“Really? That’s so neat”

She is 35 years old and a lovely person which is why I knew I could confide in her. I then added that I had been reflecting on whether I would switch companies and begin working as Joanna and although she is totally open she also knows how conservative our business can be. So I told her that if I did decide to it would definitely be under a different umbrella.

Then yesterday I was coming back to my place and the lady who rents it to me, who is abo…

feeling sexy

Here are the results of a recent survey of genetic women:

“A new hairdo, walking in heels and a glowing tan are among the things that make a woman feel sexy. Freshly applied lipstick, newly-shaved legs and a little black dress also have a positive effect on the psyche”

Are you surprised? I’m not because it is exactly the same list that makes transgender women feel sexy.

For a long time the idea was pandered about that transsexualism was rooted exclusively in aberrant sexuality. But of course you cannot separate the sexuality from the individual because that forms part of their overall makeup and the fact that genetic and transsexual women overlap here surprises no one.

We should also add here that women aren't always thinking about sex and neither are transgender women.

Pre transition transsexuals would not readily admit they found these things sexy because they were afraid to be seen as perverted men in front of gatekeepers who understood nothing about their condition.

Today we kn…