As time goes on and the reasons for saying no slowly dissipate (I am alone with grown children who know I am trans and approaching the end of my career) there is less weight behind holding steadfast to this previous line in the sand. The fact is, that I like my life as Joanna and the more I have delved into its benefits the more I don’t think living full time would be so absurd.
Fear is a huge factor here of course and after living for 55 years in a male role it’s not like flicking a switch and yet I know have been complicating things in my mind and finding excuses why it wouldn’t work instead of why it would. My living part time has been highly successful and many fears have dissipated with my experiences to date. What is left now is to decide how much further along the road I might want to travel or whether I stop here.
I never planned to end up where I am today but feel like I have been carried along like a bottle floating in the ocean ending up on a foreign shore and, an idea which was utterly preposterous as recently as a few years ago, suddenly carries some merit for reflection. Hence, I am seeing an endocrinologist in May for a consultation session regarding the merits and risks of HRT and it may lead nowhere but at least I am no longer afraid to hold things up to the light and examine them more closely. One possible advantage to transition could be to allow myself to attain a permanent fusion of both animas rather than compartmentalize my life into two halves which Helene Cote wondered how I have been able to do for so long; she is right that it is not easy and many trans people do not opt for it. It can also at times feel a little dishonest.
No matter what I do going forward it will be with blinders off and misconceptions out of the way and if you have read this blog for any length of time you know how much I reflect on things.
I was at my doctor's office recently and Carolin his receptionist told me I would make a striking woman. That thought stayed with me for a day as I asked myself what exactly is holding me back. Is it fear or is it something else?