anger

A lot of us who are born transgender carry a little bit of resentment towards the world; at least I did for a long time. How can we not when we immediately rubbed against its sensibilities from a young age and forced to adjust to its demands?

I carried that anger for a long time and it was pointed out to me during my gender therapy back in 2007. At the very end of our sessions, the sexologist treating me told me straight out and it stung but I knew she was right. The energy of repression is sometimes too much to bear and it must go somewhere.

Today I am mostly spent of that anger and, although I realize that life is still complicated for a person with gender dysphoria who has not transitioned, things are far better than they have ever been. The anger morphs into another form of energy which is used to fortify ourselves and repair psyches that were previously traumatized from having to work so hard to fit in and live with all that stress.

I am still working on that hair trigger response but it is getting so much better.


Comments

  1. In my personal experience, anger and sadness are flip sides of the same coin. If you toss the coin, and keep landing on sadness, eventually, it has to come out as anger. And vice versa. A modulation of emotions the mind uses to prevent one or the other from becoming too burdensome. At least *my* mind. Sometimes when I'm feeling overly angry at something, I'll try to tap into sadness about whatever it is, to help me process it. Likewise, when I'm really down, I try to see if I have good reason to be angry about something. If I can start flipping the coin with volition, I can also start to separate myself from it, and observe it better. And it helps me get passed whatever is ultimately bothering me. After all, while clarity of awareness of each emotion is healthy, neither anger nor sadness are states in which I want to marinate too long. Life begins to have a negative background noise, and such suffering is unnecessary with the right mental tools.

    I have little doubt you will reach your own understanding, and orient yourself healthily to your own subjectivity. In fact, I'd lay down money that your life will soon have a positive background noise in general. :)

    -Caryn Bare

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    1. that is a very interesting observation Caryn and I never saw it that way before. I think you are right in that after a while the dampening that sadness brings must transform itself into frustration which comes out as anger. The suppression I experienced for over forty years just built up and that energy had to go somewhere.

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