Musings from my everyday life...

Of all the social media platforms, Twitter is the most befuddling. People get to post short messages which sometimes link to other webpages but there isn't enough real estate to say much. The platform is also the least choosy when it comes to censoring users; the caustic and deranged conspiracy theorist Alex Jones is still permitted to post there. I suppose we could view it as a venting platform and indeed the manchild president of the United States uses it to share his garbled thought processes with often unintended humorous results. In today's instant mass media environment there is no need for editing when we can wake up, have a brain wave and share it with humanity. We risk exposing weakness through these short bursts of insight which often let others see more about ourselves than we intended; just look what it has done for tarnishing Trump's already dodgy public mage. After 12 years of being in business, Twitter is only now starting to turn a profit which speak

He spends a fraction on his campaign that his opponents do and wins anyway. Probably didn't hurt that Bernie supported him...

Caitlyn Jenner is barking up the wrong tree and, although I am definitely not a fan of her obtuseness or her politics, I concede that she doesn't deserve the level of vitriol she receives in the comments section of this article in Variety. Most of the people commenting here are ignorant and uneducated and thankfully don't represent the majority of a voting public who likely can be reasoned with. I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt that most of these commenters are Republican voters; the kind who likely gleefully lined up to vote for the ignoramus presently occupying the White House. Why Caitlyn Jenner is wasting her time petitioning within a fringe version of what was already a right wing party boggles the imagination and is one more reason why I question her judgement in dealing with these matters. Time spent speaking to a Paul Ryan or a Mike Pence would be best spent talking to a wall because political fanaticism on that scale is best left alone. Jack Molay makes

This is one of my instrumentals written and recorded several years ago...

Randy Rainbow makes this political climate a little more survivable....

For a long time now, I have self-identified as a Benjamin scale type 4 transsexual based on existing in that conflicted space between wanting to transition and not. Harry Benjamin described this type thusly: "Transsexual (non-surgical) – conversion operation attractive but not requested or attraction not admitted" This put me in a bit of a pickle because I didn’t have the high intensity urgency of types 5 and 6 however my dysphoria was stronger than types 1 through 3 who were essentially variants on what we used to call crossdressers or transvestites. The intricate nature of belonging to this typology made me want to reject the conventional wisdom of some in the trans community which was to push in favor of transitioning. In my mind a transition should to be based on absolute need and so I have sought ways to work through my dysphoria using alternate methods. This does not mean some form of transition is off the table, but that doing so must make my life considerably be

Yes Milo Yiannopoulos is a horrible human being but I don't need to tell you that. I will let Dollemore do it...

Christine is a young woman of 30 who I see regularly at the same coffee spot. We seem to arrive around the same time and this frequency of overlap has spurred chit chat of not more than a couple of minutes at a time. On the most recent occasion however she seemed tired and distraught and I asked her if she was all right. After she got her coffee she came up to me (I was already sitting) and confided she was having some issues with her boyfriend who she had been living with and was now breaking up with. She had been staying with a girlfriend who now wanted her to leave which was giving her stress. She does not want to move back in with her parents even for a short while. I spoke to her for a few minutes and offered a friendly ear if she ever wanted to talk. I am old enough to be her mother and have been through a few hard knocks in my life. She was genuinely thankful and took my cell number promising to reach out. I insisted that there was no pressure to do so. If she texts me or

"Sunday at six when they close both the gates a widowed pair, Still sitting there, Wonder if they're late for church And it's cold, so they fasten their coats and cross the grass, they're always last. Passing by the padlocked swings, The roundabout still turning, Ahead they see a small girl On her way home with a pram. Inside the archway, The priest greets them with a courteous nod. He's close to God. Looking back at days of four instead of two. Years seem so few (four instead of two). Heads bent in prayer For friends not there. Leaving two pence on the plate, They hurry down the path and through the gate and wait to board the bus that ambles down the street"

Most societies will be facing problems of what to do about disappearing jobs. As technology and outsourcing continue to remove blue collar work that people can live on from the landscape, there will be more of them not being able to support themselves on meager wages. The problem is particularly marked in the United States where misguided economic policies have resulted in half of the country’s population joining the ranks of the working poor. Some toil working two jobs to make ends meet just to keep a roof over their head and some basic sustenance with little to no disposable income to splurge on personal desires. This is in part the result of neoliberalist principles applied on a global scale. Immigrants now work in the agricultural fields to pick crops or in fast food kitchens doing much of the low wage work that Americans don’t want but those who are choosy are also feeling the pinch as there aren’t enough white-collar jobs to go around. It may sound unfair to say, but not ever

Ruth Rose has a new lease on life and what a nice lady she seems...

The right is causing transgender people a great deal of grief. Using strawman tactics like blaming us for forcing them to allow transgender kids to use the bathroom that aligns with their identity or (God forbid) having gender neutral bathrooms, they complain that the rights of the majority are being infringed upon. This is of course logic in reverse. The reality is that these fringe thinkers prefer a world where they wouldn’t need to deal with difference, so they concoct false claims of women being attacked in bathroom stalls to instill prejudice and fear. Transgender women of colour are the number target for murders in the United States and, although small in number, by proportion it is a hugely dangerous thing to belong to that sorority. Religious fanatics, TERFS and outright lunatics petition on their right-wing rags about how transgender people are a scourge on society and their rights must be stamped out. It doesn’t help that a morally challenged idiot is helping them from

I am going to see Dr. Morris again in October and as we speak I am on the fence regarding starting HRT. The main reason is that I am quite happy because I am able to express my transgender nature which is all I have ever really wanted. I read Clare Flourish’s recent blog post on GRS regret where she explains how she would have been happier reaching a higher level of self-acceptance before acting, but she went for the surgery thinking it provided her with more authenticity. She is one of the smartest bloggers I read, and I value her opinion but then I also know that transition has worked marvelously for others. Some of those people I call my friends and they read this blog. That is the point though isn’t it? There isn’t one path to grapple with dysphoria nor should there be. To follow someone else’s thinking it will work for us by default would be foolhardy. As transgender people we have a lot of reflection to do starting from an early age. We are born different and we must grapple

Well, Michael Cohen has made a plea deal for 5 years in prison for tax evasion and for making illegal payments to cover up Trump's sexual indiscretions. Campaign finance laws have been broken and there will be consequences. Robert Mueller is now swimming in evidence. He has Cohen's admission, Manafort is guilty, Flynn and now 30 hours of interviews with White House lawyer Don McGahn. The GOP is too cowardly to do something because God forbid they anger Trump's low brow base. So it is now up to the American people come November. No matter what, the Republicans have shot themselves in the foot by allowing a disgusting criminal to become president. If Trump is allowed to sit in front of Mueller he will instantly purjure himself because he is a liar. It is now just a matter of time.

Netflix has a new show called "The House of Flowers" which is produced in Mexico. It deals with appearances and with family secrets; how we all hide behind masks to some extent and many of us strive to keep it that way. It is abut one particular family's desire not to let those secrets out. I recommend you see it in Spanish but the default is in overdubbed English. There is some trans content by the way in that the ex-husband of one of the family members has transitioned into a woman.

My son is shy but you can see he is coming into his own slowly. Now that my daughter is older, has a boyfriend and is begining her professional life, I spend more one on one time with him (rather than both at the same time) and talk about issues that come into his mind whether it be his personal beliefs or a political discussion. He recently very sheepishly admitted to me that out of curiosity he had taken some IQ tests which had him scoring in the high 130's confirming what I already suspected: that he bears more than a physical resemblance to his grandfather. Still, smart or not, It is not easy for anyone to grow up and we face social challenges that we must grapple with before we can become ourselves. With him it is his anxiety. I don't presume to give him advice on what he should believe or espouse and he asks me questions about my spiritual beliefs. I tell him that whatever he believes needs to come from his own personal exploration and cannot be enforced or transfer

Good grief, I don’t know how many times I need to explain this to the "Blanchardians" but here it goes once again in simple terms: cross gender arousal is not the same thing as Autogynephilia which is an invented condition that ascribes the motivation for transitions to exclusively (note the use of bold for emphasis) sexual motives. No one questions the existence of cross gender arousal which many trans women will freely admit to. It could be part of a much broader and complex picture that we do not yet comprehend and a symptom of gender dysphoria which begins very early in adolescence or is possibly pre-existing. I have addressed this over and over in numerous posts over the last 6 years. The point is that we haven't a clue as to what causes all this. But really when you think about it how very odd; people who feel like women fantasizing as women. The mind simply boggles. Nevertheless, if someone has any conclusive proof that transitions are exclusively (note the use

At the end of this month there is a shareholders meeting for my side project and since I am one of the shareholders, I will be there. It is being held in a law firm that looks quite reputable and I asked Patricia the CEO if she would be dressing up. To which she responded: "To the nines!" Since she is doing it I told her that I will do the same and wear a nice skirt suit with my black pumps and my pearl earrings (perhaps something similar to the image below). I think that's a pretty professional look to which I will add minimal jewelry; perhaps just a simple pendant and a one ring. This will be my first professional business meeting as a woman and I am looking forward to it. All the practice living part time makes it that I am not the least bit nervous but I just see it as another step in my exploration. I will post about it afterwards.

This FOX news drone with a pretty low knowledge of the world goes after one of its best functioning liberal democracies. Lying on a scale this bad should be embarrassing to this so called reporter who doesn't even bother doing her homework giving new meaning to the term twit. The Danes smartly fire back...

Roberta Cowell was the very first person in Britain to undergo gender reassignment in 1948. She had been a fighter pilot and race car driver but had been deeply unhappy as a man. Towards the goal of a change, she sought the help of physician Michael Dillon (himself a female to male transperson) to advance her cause by asking him to perform an orchiectomy on her which would then pave the way for further surgery. The conversion operation was illegal at the time in Britain and this first step was the only way that Cowell could proceed to vaginoplasty. Later in her life, Cowell became a recluse and continued to refuse contact with her two daughters who were born in 1944 and 1946 respectively. They had wanted to have contact with their father. It may be possible that after having abandoned her family she may have felt that they would never forgive her. She died alone in 2011 and her death was only publicized two years later as she has tried to make sure that no one knew. Her funeral was

"In the quiet silent seconds I turned off the light switch And I came down to meet you in the half light the moon left While a cluster of night jars sang some songs out of tune A mantle of bright light shone down from a room Come down in time I still hear her say So clear in my ear like it was today Come down in time was the message she gave Come down in time and I'll meet you half way Well I don't know if I should have heard her as yet But a true love like hers is a hard love to get And I've walked most all the way and I ain't heard her call And I'm getting to thinking if she's coming at all Come down in time I still hear her say So clear in my ear like it was today Come down in time was the message she gave Come down in time and I'll meet you half way There are women, women, and some hold you tight While some leave you counting the stars in the night" Words: Bernie Taupin Music: Elton John

There is no question about it, the political spectrum in the United States has shifted to the right. The current Democratic party establishment is close to where the old Republican party was, while the latter has now moved into the terrain of the fringe. Having picked up hypocrite Evangelicals and outright racists in the form of the alt-right, the republicans now flirt with the kind of ideas that previously existed as informalized rhetoric. Open discrimation has become official policy whether it be aimed at people of color or members of the LGBT community. We like to think the humanity evolves and that history does not repeat itself, but the pattern seems to hold true that our advancement takes steps back before we move forward, and it wasn’t that long ago that humanity was committing unspeakable acts in the name of honor of country and flag. The propensity of some Americans towards jingoism has always perturbed me. The idea that one can adopt the stance of loving one’s country t

I met some old friends for a beer this past Sunday; three guys who I have known for 33 years and went to Europe with in 1986. They all knew about me being trans, but they had never seen it up close. During the day I was out as Joanna and almost thought to go home and change but then I said no, they are going to get an eyeful of their transgender friend. They all showed up at separate times. The first (who like me is always on time) got the first look at me and it admittedly took him a few minutes to get used to the different presentation and voice but it all went fine. It was the same for the others and the three hours we spent eating and drinking went as smoothly as I could have ever hoped for. These are nice people who I am proud to call my friends. All they wanted was for me to be comfortable and they certainly did help to make it so. Yes, a few good natured jokes were shared which only helped break the ice by showing them that, despite my struggles with dysphoria, I could still

I think that David Pakman, in his response to a caller, accurately describes the reason why Jordan Peterson has captured the attention of disillusioned young men who feel directionless. Firstly, they are either not willing or not able to pay for a therapist and secondly traditional pop psychology in it's current packaging does not appeal to their sensibilities. Perhaps the latter's more feminist perceived slant turns them off. The thing is, Peterson delivers much the same information only in a gruffer and more aggressive tone which may resonate with their mounting sense of disconnectedness and disdain for a PC culture which, they feel, marginalizes their masculinity. That Peterson himself doesn't ever look overly happy is perhaps part of the appeal. His sourpuss tone might just be part of the draw which incidentally, may also tell us a little something about the man himself....

This past week I had my third meeting with Halle this time in her neck of the woods and joined by her wife Kathy. What else can I say other than they make a stable and committed couple who love each other. There is some interesting history there and at times they were like two ships passing in the night who manage to coincide at a later time. I questioned Kathy a little bit because she is that one in a million who sees a person before she sees a gender. She is happy with her partner and you can see Halle has finally arrived at her destination. It was a lovely lunch and the time flew by just as it did on the previous two occasions. As a side note, that same morning I was in Ottawa's Byward Market having a coffee before our noon lunch date. The owner had a large photograph of Obama taken during his Canada visit; the caption read: I love this country. With tongue firmly in cheek I inquired with the owner if he planned to replace it with a Trump photo. Without a moment's he

The way I would best describe the journey of older transgender people like me (ie. those who come to acceptance later in life) is as a type of unboxing or unwrapping. We have been conditioned and raised against instinct and then one day we ask questions as to how this happened. We then begin to search for authenticity by allowing those very same instincts to resurface. There is nothing new to learn but rather it is about allowing behavior and mannerisms which had been allowed to atrophy to be exposed. Once I gave myself permission to be feminine it just sprang forth on its own and it was only the elimination of the shame which facilitated it. Like many of you I wasn't older than 4 or 5 when those instincts surfaced only to be quashed by well meaning parents and as a good learner and obedient first born I did what was asked of me. This is why I feel so unconstrained today because it is as if a straight jacket has been removed. I don't need to second guess or suppress anyth

American democracy is deeply broken and no further confirmation is required than the Devin Nunes leaked audio about protecting Trump. On that recording Nunes made it clear before his GOP fundraiser audience that no matter what Mueller concludes from his investigation, the party will be in lock step and protect the president. No matter what the crimes they won't permit an indictment. This is what I instinctively thought but now it's out there confirmed and the American people should be outraged that this could happen. It is no longer about justice and doing the right thing but about political expediency and getting your agenda advanced no matter how it's done. We can just look at history to know that Trump will be the most disgraceful president the United States has ever had and, no matter the high crimes committed, it will be thanks to people like Mr Nunes that his tenure is undisturbed for as long as possible. Democracy takes another hit.

I know that Jack already posted this video over at Crossdreamers a while back but I am doing it here in case some of you missed it. Natalie and I are a little different in our histories (but aren't all transgender people a little bit so?). Here she does a marvelous job of encapsulating and debunking all the awful pseudoscience that I have addressed in my blog for several years now while using just the right amount of comedic flair. She pokes holes into the certainty that some say exists regarding the transgender condition (other than the fact that we are not mentally ill). If you haven't seen it yet I suggest you view the whole thing because its really good and summarizes the main arguments against trying to paint trans people as sexual deviants. She also explains her own motivations for transition. Thanks to Caryn for the heads up on her channel. NB: my post called Indoctration has to date exceeded 1,000 views which is rare for one of my posts prompting me to assume th

Nothing beats authenticity however I only discovered this many years into my life. I grew up with the false idea that being transgender was something I brought upon myself in spite of living an honest and respectful life since being born to two parents who gave me a very stable childhood. That kind of thinking messed things up for me for the longest time. We didn’t know anything about this condition when I was growing up, so it was easy to blame ourselves. Having shed the stigma and the shame and armed with a great deal of information, I am now living among the happiest years of my life regarding this issue, accompanied by a calmness of spirit I never expected to achieve. We cannot place ourselves in a box for others because neither side wins. They get a shadow of the real person and we remain frustrated constrained as less than ideal versions of who are. In that light, trying to lead a normal life is not your goal but rather to live happily within the constraints of your transge

As transgender people, organized religion hasn't really been our friend however on the other hand it has often had little to do with true spirituality. I needed to learn this over time and much of what I was taught growing up was steeped in the judgmental superstition of society instead of what some creator would demand of me. Regardless of your belief system, you are a child of the universe and have been endowed with uniqueness and goodness of spirit. You have probably never wished anyone ill will and you have tried your best to live within the absurd coordinate system of humanity. Yet somehow belonging to the LGBT community was entirely your fault. As I have grown older this inherent irrationality became increasingly evident to me. I knew I was a fundamentally good person and yet I was different in a way which was not of my choosing. Hence with this comprehension my self appreciation and esteem grew in proportion. Religion for me today seems forever trapped in the misinterp

Everywhere I go I'm addressed as Miss or Madame and I'm more than getting used to it. I have great old time chatting with other women. Recently I was waiting for my espresso and two of them in their twenties were similarly waiting for their beverages. I couldn't help but notice the phone case of one which doubled as a wallet and even had a strap. I told her so and suddenly she was telling me all about it and how she loved it and showed me the compartments. She wished me a great day after getting her drink and off she went. The next young woman was wearing beautiful heels so I told her how much I liked them. They looked to be at least 3 inches high. "Thanks they're really comfortable!" She said beaming me a smile. "Really? I would have thought with the height that they wouldn't" "Oh no they're super comfy" she insisted and walked away in style. For me these types of exchanges are all part of the fun and I just love doin

Most Western liberal democracies are in a state of disrepair and none more so than the United States. Faced with the issue of uncontrolled immigration and a population that is increasingly falling into the ranks of the working poor something needs to be done. Europe is facing much the same problem although no country has yet elected someone as ill-prepared for office as Trump who serves as the proverbial bull in a china shop (a combination of incompetence and bravado steeped in malevolence). Brexit, for example, was in large part a plebiscite on Neoliberal ideas on globalization and Britons pined for a return to policies that fed their former way of life; one that likely will never return. How to stay connected to continental Europe while maintaining some level of autonomy is now Theresa May's dilemma to handle. Western alliances are fraying at the seams and the Chinese and the Russians are taking note and rejoicing at their good fortune. Even Canada is taking a more cynical vi

Yes, it is worse than you think...

You can think of this as part 2 from yesterday's post because it is all related. The two-type model of transsexualism proposed by our dear friend Ray Blanchard in the late 1980’s is not aging very well. Postulated during a period in our history when those who were romantically drawn to females (gynephilics) were mostly in the closet regarding their cross gender feelings and perhaps married while man-loving androphilics were transitioning young, there seemed to be a massive gap between two types which turned out not to be distinct types at all. Today one only needs to view the YouTube videos of transgender millennials to see how things have changed just a tad over the last 30 years. The gap in transition age between the two orientations is rapidly closing mostly because gynephilics are coming out of the closet much sooner and they are not subject to the ravages of testosterone that those from previous generations were exposed to. Hence, they make for very attractive women post