our own unique paths

I am going to see Dr. Morris again in October and as we speak I am on the fence regarding starting HRT. The main reason is that I am quite happy because I am able to express my transgender nature which is all I have ever really wanted.

I read Clare Flourish’s recent blog post on GRS regret where she explains how she would have been happier reaching a higher level of self-acceptance before acting, but she went for the surgery thinking it provided her with more authenticity. She is one of the smartest bloggers I read, and I value her opinion but then I also know that transition has worked marvelously for others. Some of those people I call my friends and they read this blog.

That is the point though isn’t it? There isn’t one path to grapple with dysphoria nor should there be. To follow someone else’s thinking it will work for us by default would be foolhardy. As transgender people we have a lot of reflection to do starting from an early age. We are born different and we must grapple with society and its demands and, it is often by going against those demands, that we will find our way. But that need not imply a cookie cutter one-size fits all formula.

Might I be happier starting HRT? possibly and I am still leaving the door open to that but then I am also open to my current reality which has me reveling in full self-acceptance.

There is no question it takes longer to serve as your own therapist, which is what I have done with this blog, because no matter who I chose would not have delved to the depths that my mind required. For me it wasn't just about how I felt but about exploring the subject in an in-depth way and try to get to the why and how. Having gotten to where I could go no further to advance my own cause on the scientific front, I am now focusing more on feeling and trying things on for size.

Ultimately it is about feeling and having the courage to do what is right for you which is why my support for transgender people, no matter which path they choose, knows no bounds. We all deserve to be happy and to reach that ultimate goal of finding peace in a world that will, more often than not, try to deny it.

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  1. I agree, it's all about feeling. The approach I took which was recommended by Dara Hoffman-Fox as well as an endocrinologist was to start HRT at a low dose and see how it felt. The dose was low enough and the timeframe short enough to not have any physical or other effects.

    It really was delightful. All these years hearing the same thing from others whom I suspected were experiencing a temporary euphoria - I was wrong. We slowly stepped up the dose every three months (with blood tests guiding our way) until now where I'm at the full dose for me. I've never felt better in my life although it's perfectly fair to say that whatever psychological issues I had are still with me.

    Legal name and gender change came next for me. In some ways the threat of Trump's undoing Obama-era protocols accelerated my schedule. I accomplished that earlier this year.

    And then there's FFS. I looked into it, and after meeting with a couple of surgeons I decided that at least for now it's not for me. I'm sure I'd look better and all that but it has it's own risks as we've seen. It also feels like it's trying to remodel ones kitchen: there's always something else that can be fine-tuned.

    GCS? Honestly, I had no plans for it. I'd always assumed that like jumping off a bridge I'd either not have confidence I was making the right decision and, quite possibly, afterward I'd be unhappy. But a couple of months ago I realized that I was no longer afraid. I know it's the right thing to do for me. I obviously don't look forward to recovery and all that dilation (for the rest of my life). I do look forward to having a flatter front and thus more freedom to just be myself. That's now on the plan for early next year.

    I also read Clare's posting; I like her blog too. I was also concerned about what she wrote, that she has some regrets. We can only speak for ourselves and all I know is that for me I'm very sure I'd never do a U-turn back to masculinity. I still have some gender dysphoria it's true that in some ways is like all women. I would sure like to look and have the life of an actress or model! So for me, remove that skin tag down there and let's move on to other things, like travel, hiking, backpacking, bicycling, cooking, friends, ... !

  2. You and I are not spring chickens Emma and we have lived long enough to take these decisions philosophically. Vagina or not my brain will think the same way it is only the HRT that alters the brain chemistry I am told. I sense you are on a steady path and have reflected for decades on what to do. Like Halle who made the change and isn't looking back we have the wisdom of age that tells us that some skin between our legs isn't what defines us as people. I see both sides and it is a highly personal decision which no one can help you with...

    1. Speak for yourself Joanna! I'm 62, and not tough as an old bird just yet!

      I certainly agree that the decisions are highly personal and require no explanation. I really have no opinion about where one finds themselves in the transgender spectrum. To each her own!

  3. Why is it that I can't wrap my mind around the idea that the answer is to be found in a pill bottle or a patch or an injection? I'm sure this represents some form of backward thinking on my part, but the nonetheless the notion is firmly fixed in my brain, or perhaps more accurately what passes as a brain these days.

  4. You are right -- we each have to chart our own path based on our individual needs and desires. There's no one-size-fits-all.

    Like you, I seek social acceptance, not physical change. At my age (and body-shape) no amount of hormones or surgery is going to make me look (conventionally) female so I'm content to just express myself in the ways I can: e.g., in private; among friends; on my blog. Instead of bemoaning what I can't have, I focus on what's available to me. That said, I wish society was more advanced in its understanding than it is and could grasp that people like me want to be perceived as female regardless of how our body looks.


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