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I read recently about statistical data showing that transgender people have an incredibly challenging time on dating apps. Of course, none of us needed this information to understand this on an instinctive level. People just don’t know what to make of us and many have never met one of us. Dating is a whole other ball of wax.

My personal opinion is that transgender people would do well to refrain from trying to find companionship on these sites. The reality is that the chance of finding a match is going to be exceedingly hard by simply noting the failure rate for cisgender people. Take theirs and then multiply that many times over for transgender people.

If you are genuinely interested in finding companionship, then work on your insides first and become the person you need to be; the rest will take care of itself by attracting the right kind of person. If not, then you will at least have achieved a solid love and knowledge of self which many people who are already partnered might not possess.

Companionship should not be a goal but rather to be open to the right kind which is quite rare. My anecdotal experience tells me that for every four couples only one is genuinely happy: two will end up divorced, one will be functioning on life support and the fourth will be built on a solid foundation with the understanding that nothing in life is perfect.

I am achieving a certain level of personal satisfaction these days by working on myself and enjoying every day I have on this earth which has helped quell the urge for companionship. I talk to people openly and freely looking for nothing other than to learn something about a person I do not know. I do all of it on my terms because it is who I am.

We are self-contained beings responsible for our own happiness and companionship can only complement what we already possess by hopefully introducing someone who is themselves happy and secure. That sharing of experience can bring a level of satisfaction into life with the understanding that it involves a level of compromise; two imperfect beings who have decided to walk hand in hand through the inherent complexities of this life.

There being no perfect formula, whether accompanied or alone, we can find beauty in either state. The former could be seen to be superior until one realizes how few relationships work the way they should.

At the risk of angering some people, I will say to those willing to enter into a relationship with a trans person: get ready for what could be a bumpy ride so make sure they are truly worthwhile. Otherwise look elsewhere because it's not an easy journey.

To the trans person I would say to not settle for someone solely on the basis they are willing to tolerate this difference of ours. Maybe we could instead aim for a little more simply because we deserve it.

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  1. You have managed to write down my thoughts and observations exactly on dating apps, couples vs being on one’s own and not settling for a relationship just because of who we are. It is very difficult but I have now realised that the most important reationship in my life is the one I have with myself. If I cannot be loveable towards myself, how can anyone else love me?

    1. I so agree with Melissa's "...I have now realised that the most important reationship in my life is the one I have with myself." Perhaps like many trans people I've struggled with this so much throughout my life.

      Now, a year in to my transition, I feel I'm making good progress. Last weekend while hiking up a mountain east of Seattle I came up with a couple of lines that I am working on internalizing:

      - "Rock what you got!" By this I mean that we all have parts of ourselves that we're proud of and as much as we wish we didn't we have aspects that don't measure up to our ideals. The more we celebrate and have joy in our plusses the more people are naturally drawn toward us.
      - "Love the One You're With" This is stolen from the iconic CSNY song. It occurred to me that we're always with ourselves. Loving ourselves translates into a happier life, both within and without.

    2. It is paramount Emma because we have a large hill to climb growing up and bucking the trend doesn't do wonders for your self esteem


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