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in my bones

Two Sundays ago I took a nice walk before mass. It was crisp autumn like morning and all I could hear was the clicking of my pumps echoing against the walls of the semi secluded old city. Notre Dame basilica is a beautiful old church which receives countless visitors during the summer months but at 7:30 in the morning it is ghostly quiet.

I meet Iva at the door, a lady about my own age, and we talk for 5 minutes before we both go in.

Going to mass as Joanna is special to me in a way I cannot describe. It completes the circle on what used to be a heavy handed Catholicism exacting judgment on a boy who very early identified as a girl.

Now a past middle aged woman presents herself every week knowing that I am accepted as a creation of God and that I am welcome.

How do I know all this? I just know it in my bones.


  1. Eleven years ago, I was locked up in my home "office", all dressed up with no place to go. I had been doing that for many years, and had been praying for some sort of solution, or resolution, for my "problem" for many years, as well. This one day, though, although there was no answer to my prayer (not to my direct requests, anyway), I was suddenly awash with a warmth from head to toe and hair to marrow. A calming voice then told me only that "It's alright, it's alright."

    I spent the next year trying to figure out what "it's alright" really meant for me. I ventured out of that locked room quite often, testing the waters, learning, finally, that what is alright with God makes it alright with the world. Not that the whole world is enlightened, but God has been with me the entire time. Yes, I can feel it in my bones, too!

    I have attended Mass at my own parish a few times over the past ten years, and I know God is with me there; some parishioners are not. I had been quite active and visible as the man everyone thought me to be, and I can only assume that some people believe I had deceived them (or trying to deceive them now?). I find it all to be distracting to everyone, so I generally attend elsewhere - even trying other denominations. My bones are still most comfortable at Mass, however.

    1. it is indeed Connie to be the person God created. No shame in that whatsoever and I am so glad you moved beyond the walls of that office...

  2. Joanna, I have also attended Mass many times. I have had experiences that allow me to know that God accepts me as I am. On one occasion, upon standing to say the Our Father, a cool breeze came upon me and I felt an inner peace, both of which were not present before. I am sure that you know that the presence of the Holy Spirit is heralded by a cool soft breeze. So I now know in my heart and soul that God loves me, that how I am in not a mistake, and that in return I must love my fellow man and woman.


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