Skip to main content


Being on the fence with my type of transsexualism means that I am never sure. However, I am more certain than ever that I need to investigate all possibilities.

Chatting with my friend Sherry the other day she brought up a good point: the notion that fear shouldn't be my primary motivator here. If transition isn't for me that's fine but not because I am paralyzed with dread.

I was brought up to try and think of others first and left the management of my dysphoria as something to be limited to dressing only. Now that my children are grown and I am on my own, I cannot allow fear be the deciding factor.

The problem is that, unlike Sherry, I have invested 3 more decades putting all this off. That entrenchment and life lived is not easily remade but then living part time is perhaps not the most elegant of solutions either.

So is this fear or about something else? this what I have left to examine with the bonus that I am no longer afraid to hold things up to the light with absolute clarity of mind.

As I age and become more comfortable in my skin I have been thinking more about finding a permanent solution to my dilemma.

Is the answer to live with one foot in each world?

I am not sure yet.

One thing is for certain: I don't buy into standard narratives and my life is my own. There is no roadmap other than the one I fashion or myself.


  1. I'm not sure I agree with "don't attempt transition unless you absolutely have to". After all, how in the heck does on determine unequivocally that one absolutely has to do anything?

    I'd suggest that Joanna consider how she feels when she's out and about as a woman vs. as a man. If it's about the same then maybe nothing more than going out as Joanna from time to time. But if she feels a deep longing to be Joanna when she returns to her masculine persona that would tell me a lot.

    Unfortunately (if you will) the next experiments toward transition are a little more significant. Perhaps, Joanna, consider what experiments you might run, and how you'd assess them after the fact.

    For example, try taking a low dose of HRT to see how it feels, and how it affects your life as Joanna and otherwise. If it feels good you still have three options:

    1) Stay at current dose, which won't change your body;
    2) Increase, with the awareness that you will develop breast tissue (albeit small) and have some other affects that may or may not be permanent.
    3) Stop, and see how that feels.

    1. This is good advice Emma and I know you are following this approach which seems to be working for you

    2. I'd also like to add: what is the definition of "transition" anyway? I think it means transitioning from living ones life as one gender to the other, but...

      - Some trans people are bi-gender, meaning they float back and forth.
      - If one does transition to the opposite gender (legally, name, presentation, etc.) that doesn't mean that they need to take HRT, have GCS, or anything else.

      It's all up to the individual and doesn't make them any less or more than anyone else. Even as I transitioned to living full time (if you will, my very own RLE) I didn't anticipate HRT or GCS. As you know, Joanna, I did try HRT, liked it, and continued on to the full dosages and I'm very happy with that.

      I've thought about and investigated FFS and at least for now I just don't see a need. I may pass from time to time - it's hard to tell for sure - but in some ways I'm proud to just be out living my life as a woman with a transgender history.

    3. Very smart thinking Emma you are on the right track missy 😁

  2. Interesting subject. Figuring out how we fit into the world isn't easy and there's no right answer for everyone. We have to craft a path that works for us individually.

    1. You are correct Ally there is no magic perfect formula except our own


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

One transgender woman's take on AGP

This entry from the transhealth website dates back to 2001 and it offers a very nice dissection of the now mostly debunked but still controversial AGP theory and how this transgender woman could care two cents about it. People who have been trying to marginalize the experience of gynephilic transwomen have pushed for the stigmatizing idea that they are actually perverted men. Well this soul, who couldn't give a hoot either way, isn't buying any of it and her frankness at times had me chuckling to myself as I read her posting. If we ever met I would give her a hug for seeing through the BS but mostly for being herself: "About a year ago I was reading on Dr. Anne Lawrence’s site about a new theory of the origin of trans called “autogynephilia.” This theory asserts that many trans women—and transsexual women in particular—desire reassignment surgery because they are eroticizing the feminization of their bodies. The first thing that struck me about it, of course, was t

Never Say Never....

 I was certain that I would never post here again and yet, here I am. It’s been several years, and life has changed me yet again. I have burrowed further into my psyche to discover more internal truths about myself all in the silence of a life lived with more periods of reflective solitude than ever before. After attempting for many years to be a problem solver for others, I needed to dig deeply to discover who I was, which should be a necessity for all people and an absolute imperative for those of us who dare rub against the grain of conventional society. The most important thing we can do for ourselves is honor the internal voice which has driven us since childhood. That whisper which we were compelled to ignore through our initial indoctrination must be listened to again for guidance. I knew I had spent too long heeding messaging that wasn’t working for me as a trans person, and it was time to stop. For the world gleefully basks in a level ignorance and hypocrisy we are not abl

my last post

This will be my last blog post. When I wrote recently that this blog had another seven years of life in it I was trying to convince myself that it was true. It was in fact a little bit of self delusion. With almost 3,000 posts to date I have accomplished what I set out to do which was to heal myself and in the process share some of the struggle I had been through with others on the chance they might find some value in my words. After seven years of writing, my life still isn't perfect; no one's is. But I have discovered a path forward completely free of the trappings which society would have had me adopt so I could fit in. Over the last 25 years of my life I have turned over every stone I could find while exploring this topic and in the process realized that we haven't even begun to scratch the surface of this deeply complex subject. What I have ultimately learned is that my instincts have more value than what someone who isn't gender dysphoric writes about me. We