I don't know if I could have tried any harder to fit into expectations others had for my life. Today I am still a very disciplined person but my dysphoria was something i couldn't solve until i found that the best way to deal with it was to succumb.

Many trans people don't realize that we are not born the same as other people and trying to be like them doesn't work for us. Our failure is in thinking that we can fit a square peg into a round hole instead of embracing our natures. In that sense, succumbing isn't failing but rather awakening to a reality that is not easily accepted because you've been raised and conditioned to reject it from the moment you are born.

Hence, I don't view my attempts to fit in as failures but as lessons which brought me here and gave me the calluses I needed to grapple with the difficulties of this life. By comparison I can now handle challenges far easier because I have already faced much bigger ones and survived.

From a very young age, my secret life of a girl was kept to the safety of locked doors and empty houses. Except that hiding gets you nowhere except feeling that you are somehow less than whole and no one deserves to feel like that.


  1. I'd have to agree with you totally on this Joanna. Perhaps we could explain this to those who say how brave we are to come out. Finally having the courage to be oneself isn't brave ~ it is succumbing to the inevitable.

    1. Yes indeed Halle it is not bravery but rather fatigue of trying to be someone we are not finally taking its toll

    2. I don't see my being authentically me as inevitable. It was either find and be myself or have a self-truncate my life.

      I've been told that I'm so brave too and indeed, as I took each step in my journey I had to face fears, take the leap, and come out on the other side. In hindsight it doesn't seem so courageous perhaps because I'm so much happier and at peace than I've ever been. So being called "brave" didn't fit for me, and I thought a lot about it.

      I believe that all people, cis or trans, straight or gay, whatever, struggle with choices to find their authenticity and fear exploring, becoming, and living authentically. Most get married, find themselves in some sort of career/job, and muddle through life, often haunted by unrealized dreams and wishes. Thus, we all admire those who've achieved whatever level of authenticity that they have.

      More and more cis people - while they struggle with comprehending transgender people - recognize how, from their perspective, challenging it is to not only come out and be real, transition (to whatever level we individually need), live our lives, and be comfortable even within societies that are at best tolerant and at worst hostile and dangerous. That's why they admire our courage and bravery.

  2. ‘When you are content to be simply yourself and don't compare or compete, everyone will respect you.’ ― Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching
    x to you both :-)


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