Skip to main content

the tape loop

My brain tends to go into loop analysis, but this is not healthy when there is no additional information coming in. What you are then left with is an exercise akin to a cow chewing its cud; the mental equivalent of being stuck in neutral.

After my breakup I was stuck in this mode for a very long time. You play out scenarios in your head of who said what when; what should have been said haunts you and you play out sequences until you can do so no longer. This is not healthy, but it is unfortunately one of the pitfalls in the way my mind processes things; perhaps one of the developed habits of a scientific education.

Once a decision has been taken we need to move on and a repair process needs to happen but that means that you need to accept the result. When there are even small seeds of doubt you will play things in your mind like a tape; usually over and over. The human tendency to romanticize our lives with a former partner feed into this form of self flagellation. We remember some of the wonderful times and perhaps downplay some the less pleasant ones because we miss them. This is what part of being human is like: we don’t like change and we find comfort in the familiar.

Life sometimes has a way of throwing us a curve ball, however, and discoveries are made when we are presented with difficult scenarios. We are thrust into them thinking we knew the way things would go, only to be disillusioned at the outcome. We often learn the hard way because sometimes it is the only way to do so.

After a while we must realize there is little point to playing that tape loop because it will not change the result but instead stunt your natural progression into the next phase of your life.

Image result for playing tape loop in our head


Popular posts from this blog

my last post

This will be my last blog post.

When I wrote recently that this blog had another seven years of life in it I was trying to convince myself that it was true. It was in fact a little bit of self delusion.

With almost 3,000 posts to date I have accomplished what I set out to do which was to heal myself and in the process share some of the struggle I had been through with others on the chance they might find some value in my words. After seven years of writing, my life still isn't perfect; no one's is. But I have discovered a path forward completely free of the trappings which society would have had me adopt so I could fit in.

Over the last 25 years of my life I have turned over every stone I could find while exploring this topic and in the process realized that we haven't even begun to scratch the surface of this deeply complex subject. What I have ultimately learned is that my instincts have more value than what someone who isn't gender dysphoric writes about me. We are …


While this blog is most definitely over, I wanted to explain that part of the reason is that it was getting in the way of writing my next book called "Notes, Essays and Short Stories from the North" which will combine philosophy, trans issues, my observations on life, some short fiction and things that have happened to me over my life and continue to (both trans related and not).

When it is complete I will post the news here and will be happy to send you a free copy upon request in either PDF or eBook format. All I ask is that you provide me with some feedback once you're done reading it.

I'm only in the early stages so it will be a while.

Be well all of you....

sample pages...

love of self

If you feel you are doing something wrong it shows. Your demeanor, body language and facial expression all conspire to betray you.

You are a clandestine "man in a dress"; you know it and everyone else can too. Your cover has been blown. I've been there and it's frustrating. The source goes back to your self image and the notion that you are somehow a freak of nature; and perhaps you are but what of it? the only way out is to embrace yourself fully and unconditionally. I don't mean to suggest that you are perfect but just that you were created this way and you need not seek forgiveness for it. You are a creation of God.

Misinterpreted religion is a big culprit in all this. These negative images of yourself came from reinforcement of stereotypes by ignorant people interpreting what is right and moral by their own barometer. You simply ingested the message and bought it as the gospel truth. Self confidence and critical thinking is the way out of your dilemma. It can…