Skip to main content

the movement of time

My son wanted to visit his grandfather’s grave and going there made me experience a fit of nostalgia. I hadn’t been there in close to 20 years because I don’t think I will find anything special by standing in front of a headstone. The legacy of my father lives in my memory which is the best place to reach out to it when I need to.

He died 24 years ago this month and driving to the cemetery made me think how fast time flows and how we are amazed when we realize how many years have passed when it doesn’t feel that way. My son will experience the same thing when he gets older but for now he is embroiled in that part of his life where he is building his psyche for the future. He is in that stasis where a foundation has yet to be built so you can look back one day and realize you have a wealth of knowledge you can rely on.

For now, we still have coffees and talk about where he is before I lose him for a period. He will begin to test his mettle and possibly find someone he can be close to and experience love with. I tell him to take his time and perhaps he will use my own life to date as a cautionary bellwether of what can happen. Fortunately, he doesn’t have the trans issue to contend with, but then he will no doubt have his own set of challenges.

I used to joke with people that life is a like a roll of bathroom tissue in that it doesn’t come off very easily at the outset but near the end it just falls off without barely touching it. It may be a coarse analogy, but this is in a sense how it feels like to me now.

It simply flies.

Image result for time flies


Popular posts from this blog

how times change

How times have changed.

Whereas transition was something not to even contemplate for us, here is a young trans person who felt the opposite pressure. She looks and sounds extremely passable but decided it wasn't for her despite the social media presence of young transitioners potentially inspiring her to.

We are all different and I happen to think she's rather a smart cookie as well...


As transgender people, organized religion hasn't really been our friend however on the other hand it has often had little to do with true spirituality. I needed to learn this over time and much of what I was taught growing up was steeped in the judgmental superstition of society instead of what some creator would demand of me.

Regardless of your belief system, you are a child of the universe and have been endowed with uniqueness and goodness of spirit. You have probably never wished anyone ill will and you have tried your best to live within the absurd coordinate system of humanity. Yet somehow belonging to the LGBT community was entirely your fault.

As I have grown older this inherent irrationality became increasingly evident to me. I knew I was a fundamentally good person and yet I was different in a way which was not of my choosing. Hence with this comprehension my self appreciation and esteem grew in proportion.

Religion for me today seems forever trapped in the misinterpretat…

more thoughts on cross gender arousal

I have been reflecting for many years on how cross gender arousal originates.

Firstly, the transgender child has already exhibited (or hidden) some gender variance for several years before they arrive at puberty (I wasn't older than 4 when scolded for wearing my mother's shoes). But when they hit puberty a dilemma occurs: the object of the sexual attraction is also someone whose gender they identify with either fully or partly. This contradiction affects the imprinting of the sexual identity but it is not well described as target location error but rather as a pull in two separate directions which leaves the gynephilic adolescent facing two distinct paths. I was keenly aware of this problem but wanted to be normal so I suppressed the dysphoric feelings as hard as I could. I wasn't attracted to my own image as a woman but rather to the idea of being a desirable woman as well as being with one. That juxtaposition fused to my gender core and I was left with a riddle to solve:…