where the sky meets the sea

For an older transgender person like me who tried their best for so long to live within a gender role aligned with their birth sex, it is hard to know where the real self begins and the fabrication ends. A good analogy might be looking into a calm horizon to see where the sky ends and the sea begins.

This is what I have been working on of late.

Back then we didn't have the choices available today and any speaking out on our perceived identity would have been met with nothing short of exorcism. Therefore, understanding we were locked into an expected role, we did our best to comply. The problem is that when you spend decades doing that, it becomes a baseline that you confuse with the true self. The created persona and who you really are become entangled like two hopelessly jumbled wires and our job then becomes to separate them to better understand ourselves.

My future life as a female is contingent on this exercise because it will help me determine if things stay status quo or I advance further down the path. The difference now is that I don't feel dread or pressure which makes the entire venture both exciting and deeply rewarding.


Comments

  1. Joanna, I cannot imagine how hard it is to jump back and forth. It isn't a life I could have managed.

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    Replies
    1. Oh believe me when I say it's not easy Halle but I know of no other way at the present time. I must be solidly sure about my way forward. Discussion topic for our breakfast 😀

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