different animals

A few years ago I went to dinner with someone who identified as a T-girl accompanied by his wife, which turned out to be a massively instructive and revealing experience for me. This person was happy to dress sporadically and once or twice a year would come to Montreal with his partner for a weekend "en femme". In the process, I learned a lot about them as a couple and much about myself for I was in the presence of someone who didn't have gender dysphoria.

This fascinated me since I thought that if our roles were reversed it wouldn't have ever occured to me to experiment with gender. For years in fact, I had been hoping for a solution to the gender expression deprivation anxiety I suffered since early childhood. This turned out to be one of the pivotal moments where I understood the difference between someone who crossdresses for pleasure versus having it be a manifestation of their core gender identity.

As we conversed over dinner our differences of childhood experience were so markedly different that I suspect I scared both of them off with my lifestyle. I could tell his wife would not be happy to have a partner like me. It didn't need to be stated overtly, but after a few hours it became obvious.

We were different animals altogether and, perhaps because of it, they never contacted me again.

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how times change

How times have changed.

Whereas transition was something not to even contemplate for us, here is a young trans person who felt the opposite pressure. She looks and sounds extremely passable but decided it wasn't for her despite the social media presence of young transitioners potentially inspiring her to.

We are all different and I happen to think she's rather a smart cookie as well...

indoctrination

As transgender people, organized religion hasn't really been our friend however on the other hand it has often had little to do with true spirituality. I needed to learn this over time and much of what I was taught growing up was steeped in the judgmental superstition of society instead of what some creator would demand of me.

Regardless of your belief system, you are a child of the universe and have been endowed with uniqueness and goodness of spirit. You have probably never wished anyone ill will and you have tried your best to live within the absurd coordinate system of humanity. Yet somehow belonging to the LGBT community was entirely your fault.

As I have grown older this inherent irrationality became increasingly evident to me. I knew I was a fundamentally good person and yet I was different in a way which was not of my choosing. Hence with this comprehension my self appreciation and esteem grew in proportion.

Religion for me today seems forever trapped in the misinterpretat…

more thoughts on cross gender arousal

I have been reflecting for many years on how cross gender arousal originates.

Firstly, the transgender child has already exhibited (or hidden) some gender variance for several years before they arrive at puberty (I wasn't older than 4 when scolded for wearing my mother's shoes). But when they hit puberty a dilemma occurs: the object of the sexual attraction is also someone whose gender they identify with either fully or partly. This contradiction affects the imprinting of the sexual identity but it is not well described as target location error but rather as a pull in two separate directions which leaves the gynephilic adolescent facing two distinct paths. I was keenly aware of this problem but wanted to be normal so I suppressed the dysphoric feelings as hard as I could. I wasn't attracted to my own image as a woman but rather to the idea of being a desirable woman as well as being with one. That juxtaposition fused to my gender core and I was left with a riddle to solve:…

Musings from my everyday life...

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