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self aware

It's interesting what happens over time: you no longer feel self concious. I don't mean its reduced, I mean its basically gone.

This removal eliminates the need to look over your shoulder and seek validation from the outside world. We don't care if someone is staring or wonder what they are thinking for that is their prerogative.

I got here so imperceptibly slowly that you don't celebrate the day you arrive. You just notice that you no longer care and you go about your business like everyone else. In my opinion this is a strict prerequisite for knowing whether a transition is for you because if you cannot feel comfortable you cannot assess your true feelings properly.

I think that too much self awareness is bad for a trans person. Don't get me wrong, you may get a buzz about going out and getting noticed or having pictures taken and after your fill and go back to your regular life which is fine. However for others this is much more tied to identity and there is no going back; they must transition into a brand new life.

Knowing this difference might be obvious to some but not to those of us who straddle the borders of transsexualism. We must reflect at length and test the waters through long experiments so we can know. In that vein, self conciousness hampers our ability to know where the boundary lies and as mine has been removed I have been able to increasingly assess where I stand.

I will admit that passing has helped me relax and relating to women as one of them has greatly increased my confidence as well as my level of calmness by having them accept me into their fold.


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