Skip to main content

tenacious

It is only after your eyes are fully open that everything becomes plainly obvious. Before that, what should be clear clues become muddled with excuses as to why things couldn't be the way they seemed. You refuse to see what is staring you in the face; proving how tenacious the power of human denial can be.

My entire history of dysphoric feeling was whitewashed by a concious mind which refused to entertain reality and my pressure release valve episodes of childhood crossdressing attributed to folly. Now I look back and realize how crisp and clear it all was from a vantage point of self knowledge.

The human mind is capable of great subterfuge and we can talk ourselves in and out of things if we want it badly enough. The fact that I wasn't supposed to fail in my mission was enough to convince me that being in any way close to a transsexual wasn't a part of it. Today I have learned to trust my feelings and don't disregard my intuition any longer; getting rid of my sacred cows was a pivotal part of that achievement.

It didn't help that all I had back then was an encyclopedia to guide me with barely enough information to begin to wet my curiosity.


Comments

  1. Yes, right into my middle ages I could only attribute my deepest feelings to a terrible failing; knowing I was flawed at the deepest level of my being.

    You understand the relief to find I was wrong and more; not alone, but instead, in very good company.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I am quite grateful that the Internet was available when l transitioned. It was a novelty, but a life-saving one in terms of finding people and information.

    If I may, though, I'd like to add a personal story that transgresses the typical narrative: My sense of being trans, feeling female inside from my earliest memories, SAVED MY LIFE Seriously, when people ask if my life would have been better had I been born reproductively female, I honestly answer no.

    Even with the dysphoria, my being trans countered other abuse in my life. Namely, I was raised by a mother with what would now easily be pegged by the psychological community as a Cluster-B personality disorder. I won't belabor the details, but suffice it to say that most children of such parents have tremendous difficulties identifying their own selves, feelings, emotional boundaries, etc. But I had something in my subjective landscape that was *mine*: my gender. It was the 1970's. I knew better than to reveal how l felt. I dreaded the repercussions that could have befallen me. But, my gender was *mine*. It couldn't be taken from me no matter how much of "me" was constantly, abusively undermined by a parent to whom I only existed as an extension of herself, not an independent being.

    That my sense of self in terms of gender never changed as I grew, it became how I knew I was my own person. It *helped* me survive and escape the abuse that might otherwise have been for more detrimental to my psyche and ability to function as an adult.

    I realize that's not the typical experience. It's mine. I'm just sharing it. FWIW

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

One transgender woman's take on AGP

This entry from the transhealth website dates back to 2001 and it offers a very nice dissection of the now mostly debunked but still controversial AGP theory and how this transgender woman could care two cents about it. People who have been trying to marginalize the experience of gynephilic transwomen have pushed for the stigmatizing idea that they are actually perverted men. Well this soul, who couldn't give a hoot either way, isn't buying any of it and her frankness at times had me chuckling to myself as I read her posting. If we ever met I would give her a hug for seeing through the BS but mostly for being herself: "About a year ago I was reading on Dr. Anne Lawrence’s site about a new theory of the origin of trans called “autogynephilia.” This theory asserts that many trans women—and transsexual women in particular—desire reassignment surgery because they are eroticizing the feminization of their bodies. The first thing that struck me about it, of course, was t

Never Say Never....

 I was certain that I would never post here again and yet, here I am. It’s been several years, and life has changed me yet again. I have burrowed further into my psyche to discover more internal truths about myself all in the silence of a life lived with more periods of reflective solitude than ever before. After attempting for many years to be a problem solver for others, I needed to dig deeply to discover who I was, which should be a necessity for all people and an absolute imperative for those of us who dare rub against the grain of conventional society. The most important thing we can do for ourselves is honor the internal voice which has driven us since childhood. That whisper which we were compelled to ignore through our initial indoctrination must be listened to again for guidance. I knew I had spent too long heeding messaging that wasn’t working for me as a trans person, and it was time to stop. For the world gleefully basks in a level ignorance and hypocrisy we are not abl

my last post

This will be my last blog post. When I wrote recently that this blog had another seven years of life in it I was trying to convince myself that it was true. It was in fact a little bit of self delusion. With almost 3,000 posts to date I have accomplished what I set out to do which was to heal myself and in the process share some of the struggle I had been through with others on the chance they might find some value in my words. After seven years of writing, my life still isn't perfect; no one's is. But I have discovered a path forward completely free of the trappings which society would have had me adopt so I could fit in. Over the last 25 years of my life I have turned over every stone I could find while exploring this topic and in the process realized that we haven't even begun to scratch the surface of this deeply complex subject. What I have ultimately learned is that my instincts have more value than what someone who isn't gender dysphoric writes about me. We