the wall

At some point in our lives, most of us who are transgender hit the wall and for me that was in my early forties. I had reached a point where I could go no further and needed to get help because I was sinking. The years of suppression were finally taking their toll and I could not take another step. I came out to my then wife after which the entire life I had built to date began to unravel.

In retrospect that wasn’t a bad thing but at the time it wasn’t an easy thing to face. Who I thought I was supposed to be had been a lie and I was realizing to what extent I had buried my feelings to try and lead a “normal” life like everyone else.

More than 10 years later I have completely given up on the concept of living like others and am now in the process of building a new existence for myself which respects the person I have always been inside; this with the added complexity of undertaking it later in life. I am more open to change than at any point in my existence and the roadblocks I made for myself are almost all gone.

Hitting that wall is shocking and it shakes the foundations of your life, but it is what must happen if you are to wake from your denial.

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Comments

  1. "Who I thought I was supposed to be had been a lie and I was realizing to what extent I had buried my feelings to try and lead a 'normal' life like everyone else."

    Well, I for one, would like to say that it has been an absolute pleasure to read your blog over the years, and "watch" you progress from hitting the wall to where you are now! The change in tone in your prose is palpable and delightful. I especially like how you have more than once reached an epiphany or plateau, announced that such would likely lead you to write less, only to follow up with even more frequent posts that reveal just how profound that epiphany or plateau was. You share more and more of your personal opinions, tastes and politics these days, and it's obvious that your self esteem and confidence have skyrocketed as you just share *you*. After all, that's what transition is, in essence. Transitioning from dysphoria, discomfort and shame to acceptance, confidence and happiness. From an inability to a talent for manifesting and expressing one's *self*. Changes in gender expression and/or anatomy, while focal, are ultimately incidental in my less-than-humble opinion.

    As for living a "normal" life, well, as Dr. Alfred Adler noted long ago , "The only 'normal' people are the ones you don't know very well."😉

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    1. Caryn your input here has been nothing short of marvelous and I value it deeply. Thanks for coming along for the ride 😁

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